Clemmy leaves Jude a note

mixtapeBecause their first date went so well, Clemmy decided to do something very sweet for her new crush. She decided to write him a note.

But, in true Hipster fashion, she did not email the note or snail mail the note (although sending a postcard would have been very 1980’s), she decided to take it to a new Hipster level.

She took the note and hid it at the record store where they first met.

She decided to place the note between two records in the “C” section, “C” for Clemmy of course. She discreetly hid it between a Carpenters and Curtis Mayfield record. She texted Jude and he ran with wild anticipation to the record store.

The note went like this:

Master Jude,

I can’t tell you how much fun I had with you on our first date. Spending time with you was like when I first discovered corduroy bras……..simply amazing. Your style, your smell, your beard reminded me of what it must have been like to live in another time, a time where style mattered.

When you pulled that record player out, the insides of my thighs lit up like a David Bowie concert. You had me at IPA. I can’t wait to spend more time with you. Later this week, I was thinking about maybe looking for some old lunchboxes that we could fashion as end tables. Are you game?

With love, Clemmy

(You may want to read The First Seduction, Jude & Clemmy’s first date)

jude tries outlaw poetry

Hipster-Clubs-Big-Chillbeing this cool (bar night)

scrappy beard, shifting in the winter wind like an old cowboy riding a trail

neck…..protected by black/white polka dotted scarf, found at garage sale where a father passed away, $1

bar on the corner, walked into it with head high

“I’ll take your oddest, most original IPA,” I said to the bat tender.

Several sips later, the air begins to thicken and my thoughts drift,

Book ideas and screenplays play a dangerous game of “who gets published first” inside my head, my head that props up a ridiculously suave, purple fedora.

Others in the bar cast jealous stares in my direction.

They wish they could be this hip, this cool, this in touch with the lost elegance of the cultures that danced before me.

Typical night out, success

Tomorrow, a search for patchouli shampoo…………….

Clemmy calls 1-976 Hipster

hipsterphoneAfter their first, magical date, Clementine needed some sexual relief.  So she called a Hipster Sex Line……..

Clemmy: (after dialing 1-976-HIPSTER and giving her credit card number) Hi there, I’m a little nervous, I’ve never done this before.

     Hipster Sex Operator: Don’t be nervous, I’m here to ease your stress and a ease a few other things….if you know what I mean.

Clementine:  Oh well, that sounds nice.  Can you call me Clemmy?

    Hipster Sex Operator: Sure thing Clemmy?

Clemmy:  (giggling) Oh yeah, that’s nice.  I’m already getting wet, tell me about your vintage records.

    Hipster Sex Operator:Glad you asked, I have quite the vinyl collection.  Original Sgt. Peppers, Hendrix Isle of Wight,  Johnny Cash, Salt N Peppa………

Clemmy: (gently moaning) I was so close until Salt N Peppa.  Let me hear about your beard and wardrobe  (hands in panties)

    Hipster Sex Operator: (deep, throaty voice) Oh Clemmy, I’ve been growing my beard for 3 years now, no trimming at all.  I even dyed it the same reddish-brown color as my favorite skinny jeans.  I airbrushed my own extra tight, t-shirt that says, “Vote Hipster in 2016” and dipped it in patchouli.

Clemmy: (intense moaning, fingers grinding hard) ALMOST THERE, talk about craft beer………..

    Hipster Sex Operator: (even deeper, throatier voice) I just cracked open a Chimay Triple, a Belgian masterpiece that has to be served in a specific glass to enjoy the vibrant Bavarian hops.  It was created by Trappist Monks.

Clemmy: YES, YES, YES, YES…..(deep, long breaths) Thank you so much, I needed that.

    Hipster Sex Operator:  Anytime Clemmy.  I’m headed out to a spoken word open mic night in the park and will back after midnight if you need more.

Jude buys condoms

love-buckle-616Given the incredible success of his first date with Clemmy, Jude decided he should buy some condoms.

Characters:

Jude– the Hipster, no description necessary

Sara– the Drug Store Clerk, about 22 years old and very, very average looking.

Fade In:  A typical Walgreens drug store in a slightly urban, but not too urban area.  Jude, wearing corduroys, a super tight shirt that says OBAMA ROCKS and a sporty purple fedora, walks into the store and heads directly to the pharmacy in the back to buy some condoms, but he has several questions for Sara the clerk.

Jude- (with confidence) Hi there.  I was wondering if could answer a couple questions for me about your prophylactic products. Continue reading

the first seduction

hipsterThe First Meeting:

It was a normal day for both Jude and Clementine and neither of them had a clue that they would meet each other in such ironic fashion.

By the way, this story could take place in any urban city where a formerly bad neighborhood is currently being transformed into a trendy place to live.

You know what I mean; hot dog vendors have been replaced by rolling craft beer stands, etc.

They both woke up in their respective studio apartments (about 10 blocks apart from each other) at about 3 in the afternoon and both decided to go shopping for vintage records and obscure movies, of course.

While looking for the soundtrack to Eraserhead, Jude was entranced by the sudden smell of patchouli floating in the air.

As he looked up, he saw Clementine fingering the Muddy Waters 1944 album Country Blues.  Sparks immediately flew into the air like the first day that the term Indie Music was coined.

“Hi there, I’m Sebastian, but my cronies call me Jude.  How about you accompany me to spoken word night tomorrow at Randal’s,” he said.

“Hi, I’m Sara, but everyone calls me Clementine.  What’s Randal’s?” she replied.

“Oh it’s just a little, ironic bar that has incredible craft beer and transcendent poets.  I heard Misti Rainwater-Lites may stop by,” said Jude.

Without hesitation, Clementine said she would cancel her harp lessons and would meet Jude there at midnight. Continue reading

A hipster solves American gun violence issue

Dear America,

I can’t stand it any longer; Orlando, Baton Rouge and now Fort Myers.  When will the madness end, you may ask?  Well, I can answer that for you.

quote-sticks-and-stones-may-break-your-bones-but-chinese-throwing-stars-get-you-a-dozen-stitches-jim-butcher-43-56-45Since my early hipster days in middle school I championed an incredible idea.  An idea so ahead of its time I was often laughed at for suggesting it.

I will never forget that awful day in debate class when I took the side of anti-gun violence.

The pro-gun advocate was the middle school stud jock named Steve Winslow.  He looked like a real life Ken doll and was already a full-grown man with multiple hot girlfriends.  He was of course my nemesis and he would always make fun of my Sansabelt corduroy shorts.  He was truly terrible.

I listened to him speak about the wonderfulness of guns, the Constitution and all his epic hunting trips with his ultra-Republican dad.  He even brought in 5 of his own personal guns to show the class.  All the students were mesmerized by him and they drooled as he blasted the liberals attempts to solve this issue.  When he finished, the class stood up in unison and applauded him.

I was dead in the water before I even spoke, but thought to myself, “Fuck it, be a man and tell your story.” 

I approached the podium and delivered my idea.  Steve began to laugh and the rest of the class sheep laughed with him.

I ended my speech with this statement that I think is relative today with all the crazy mass shootings:

“I can solve this insane gun violence problem.  I can save more lives from being lost.  With a simple transition, gun violence in America could be defeated.  Listen closely class, listen closely my fellow Americans…………… To end this cycle of violence we must replace all guns with Chinese Throwing Stars.  BAM.  Thank you, thank you very much.”

Although I was laughed at in middle school, this solution is very compelling and could save tons of lives.  Do you even realize how difficult it is to kill someone by throwing Chinese Stars at them?  Nearly impossible.

 

Billy Emo Strikes Again

emo_boy_lol_by_edohackDear Hip Pages, (in response to Why American Sniper Didn’t Win)

I was recently saddened to see that you have let a hipster infiltrate your movie review department.

I thought a news organization was supposed to present both sides of a story?? How can you let a smelly, bearded, never bathing Hipster comment on movies without also letting the alternate side write their own review??

As a upstanding member of the Emo community, I implore you to let the Emo side have a voice too. You may not realize it, but there is a constant battle between the Emo and Hipster communities.

I have personally been at war for quite some time with your movie reviewer Hipster Jude. I think by letting me, Billy Emo, provide an alternative view the Hipster Jude’s columns, your readership will probably double in size literally overnight.

Can’t you imagine it? Hipster vs. Emo movie reviews would provide an insightful view into a well-known cultural war. A culture war that has been boiling on the streets of our city for some time now and is reaching volcanic proportions.

If you want to remain a legitimate news source in this city, you must let the Emo voice be heard. I will be sending an alternative view to why American Sniper didn’t win the Oscar. Respectfully, Billy Emo.

(related posts: 50 Shades of Billy Emo, Ban Hipster Movement, Jude Uses Yelp.)