the second date (vintage cassettes)

publicenemyThe text from Jude read, “cassette time, lets do this, meet me, front of Randall’s at 3”

Clemmy was elated. Although she had some doubts from the late night phone call, she truly wanted to see Jude again. She sprayed some patchouli mist in her hair and meditated for a few minutes to get her mind right. Then out the door she went.

Jude was standing outside of Randall’s, leaning on a light pole looking all cool and shit. The smoke from his Gudrang Garam clove danced through his bearded lips, into the air like frolicking doves.

“Hey there, my Clemmy. Lookin’ hot today,” said Jude with a confident smile. Continue reading

Dear Diary, Clemmy’s lament

diaryDear Diary,

I just woke up and realized what I original thought was a nightmare, was in fact real. Jude called me at 4 in the morning to bitch about his job.

I was half asleep so I don’t remember everything. But what I do remember is causing me to seriously question his stability.

He kept rambling about “fuckster hipster wannabees” at Randall’s copying his style and bragging about “hipsterdom.” It’s difficult for me to understand why he can’t just realize they are his customers and it’s just his job. I guess he takes it more seriously than others because he spends a lot of his free time there when he’s not working.

I mean there’s open mic night, the once a month “best fedora contest,” and he always gets discounts on any international teas they have. I don’t blame him for spending time there, it is quite bitchin’.

Today, I will be anxiously awaiting Jude’s text to see if he is mentally able to search for vintage cassettes. This romance, this love, this “hip-fatuation,” depends on it.

P.S. I’m glad I washed my hair 5 days ago because I just don’t have the energy today. I will be on the computer all morning using the search engine Bing to find what locations we should go to. Google is way too overused.


(Related posts:  Hipsterdom-Jude Can’t Sleep, Dear Diary- Clemmy’s Confession)

Hipsterdom- Jude can’t sleep

baristahipsterJude had a long day working at Randall’s and was fed up with how many specialized coffee orders he had to make. He was also infuriated at how many times he had heard the word “Hipsterdom” throughout his shift. The anger was so awful he couldn’t sleep. So he called Clemmy.

Jude (sounding annoyed) –Hey Clemmy, it’s Jude. How are you tonight?

Clemmy (tired and hazy)- Dude, it’s like 4 in the morning, is everything alright?

Jude (oblivious of the time)– I guess. Had a rough day at Randall’s and can’t sleep. It was like a continuous rush of douche bag wannabee Hipsters all night long. I heard the fucking word, “Hipsterdom”, like a million times. I looked it up in the Urban dictionary and it says that it “refers to the hierarchy within the sub-culture of hipsters.”  So fucking mad I’m ready to shave my beard.  Did you even know there was a hierarchy?  Who decides this shit?  WHO????

Clemmy (becoming annoyed)- So, you called me at 4 in the morning because you had a hard day serving coffee at Randall’s and don’t like the word “Hipsterdom?” Continue reading

Dear Diary (Clemmy’s confession)

tapedeck(Clemmy keeps a diary for a blog she is thinking about starting and for any possible future movie deals)

Dear Diary;

It’s Wednesday night and tomorrow is my second date with Jude. We are going on a search for vintage cassette tapes. I made sure my hottest corduroy skirt was clean, well I at least sprayed it with my Patchouli Febreze. (had to make that myself, Febreze doesn’t actually make that scent yet, but I did send a letter to their marketing department).

I’m dying to find some old Pink Floyd or David Bowie cassettes. It just sounds so much better listening to it on my Sony Walkman rather than Itunes or CD’s. I hate that it’s yellow, but I didn’t have much choice when I rescued it from my older brother’s time capsule when I was a kid.

Jude is so freaking, hipster hot. I can’t wait to go in for a kiss tomorrow. I think it’s time. I want to feel his beard rubbing against my peach-fuzzed chin.

CONFESSION TIME- I was so hot and bothered after our first date I had to call that 976 Hipster sex line. I touched myself over and over thinking about Jude. Thinking about how smooth he was, thinking about that record player he brought on the date.

Anyway, listening to some Pixies, Surfer Rosa recording from concert in Sweden, circa 1991to put myself to sleep. Can’t wait until tomorrow.

(Related Posts: The First Seduction……….Clemmy calls 1-976 Hipster………Clemmy leaves Jude a note.)


My Smell (open mic night)

ShampooPatchouli(Every Wednesday and Friday is open mic night at Randall’s where Jude works.  On Wednesday, he invited Clemmy for his first attempt.)

Jude walked up to the stage with eager anticipation.  This was his first open mic night. He invited Clemmy to listen and he was nearly sweating through his scarf.

“Hi, my name’s Jude.  I would like to dedicate this spoken word gem to my dearest Clemmy…….. my patchouli muse,” he said with a bit of shake in his voice.

“I call this one, My Smell.  I hope you enjoy.”

my smell, my unique smell

it transforms the smeller into a state of hip-bliss

it lingers after I walk by, providing a cloud of truth

a truth unmasked by a four day layer of dank, warm, mossy-like ambiance

letting you know my beard is real,

my thoughts are 30 years before my time,

my vinyl is legit,

my jean shorts are cut-offs and the scarf matching denim.

my smell, so unusual, so me, so what you want to be

patchouli shampoo………my shower muse

(check out Jude’s first attempt at Outlaw Poetry)

Jude’s letter to the editor (Portlandia)

(Jude writes a letter to the editor of the local college newspaper.  He’s pissed at all their wannabe hipsters)

portlandiaDear Editor,

Although I’m not a student, I felt compelled to write because I’m always running into your students at Randall’s Cafe.

I hear them talk all the time about how cool Portlandia is. Those who watch it can’t be real hipsters. No way in hell. What a joke, really. It’s so mainstream, it’s like carrying a kids lunchbox around as a purse.

I mean shit, I will probably start watching it in about 20 years, then it will be truly be cool. Kind of like how I’ve been watching What’s Happening re-runs for about 5 years now.

Could you please print this in your next issue so maybe your students can learn a little more about culture? Every time I hear one of them talk about how awesome Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are, it makes me want to puke into my scarf.  


Jude the (REAL) Hipster

Clemmy leaves Jude a note

mixtapeBecause their first date went so well, Clemmy decided to do something very sweet for her new crush. She decided to write him a note.

But, in true Hipster fashion, she did not email the note or snail mail the note (although sending a postcard would have been very 1980’s), she decided to take it to a new Hipster level.

She took the note and hid it at the record store where they first met.

She decided to place the note between two records in the “C” section, “C” for Clemmy of course. She discreetly hid it between a Carpenters and Curtis Mayfield record. She texted Jude and he ran with wild anticipation to the record store.

The note went like this:

Master Jude,

I can’t tell you how much fun I had with you on our first date. Spending time with you was like when I first discovered corduroy bras……..simply amazing. Your style, your smell, your beard reminded me of what it must have been like to live in another time, a time where style mattered.

When you pulled that record player out, the insides of my thighs lit up like a David Bowie concert. You had me at IPA. I can’t wait to spend more time with you. Later this week, I was thinking about maybe looking for some old lunchboxes that we could fashion as end tables. Are you game?

With love, Clemmy

(You may want to read The First Seduction, Jude & Clemmy’s first date)