dear diary, more Clemmy confessions

Dear Diary,

Well, things have been a bit of a mess lately. My ex, Billy Emo, has continued to torment Jude and I feel so horribly guilty for it. Jude’s plan backfired and he ended up buzzing part of his beard off.

I loved his beard, probably more than anything else about him. Being the totally amazing hipster that he is, he was able to shave it and leave a killer mustache.  But, I really miss the beard.

Now he’s been suspended from Randall’s for a week by that manager bitch Cindy. Apparently they have security cameras that recorded everything.  That has to be against Jude’s constitutional rights or something.

It seemed like just the other day when our hands met together on the Public Enemy tape. Oh how I wish I could rewind and just tell him about Billy Emo when we first met. I just hope that Jude never sees the pictures Billy Emo has of me. That could be devastating. If Jude sees those pictures…..

Anyway, Jude made an appointment with his doctor to get some anxiety medicine, thank goodness for Obamacare. I’m hoping that will help him cope with what’s happening and get him through the week. He loves Randall’s, maybe more than he loves me, his patchouli muse.

After his appointment, I think I will go to his apartment and give him a proper massage.  I just got a new corduroy bra and I will wear those shorts I wore the other night that shows my ass cheek.

Fingers crossed……….


Jude meets with Cindy (the new tattoo)

Scene: After the Billy Emo hair buzzing incident at Randall’s, Jude’s manager Cindy texted him to come in for a meeting ASAP.

Cindy- I called you in today because of the “event” that took place the other night.

Jude (acting bewildered) What “event” are you speaking about?

Cindy (getting angry)- Are you kidding me Jude??? I watched the video surveillance footage from that night and you know what I saw?

Jude (getting nervous) Um, we have cameras at Randall’s???

Cindy- I watched you pick out a black hoodie from our lost and found bin, put it on and go into the bathroom. Then I watched you walk out of the bathroom, hide in a dark corner by the stage and attack Billy Emo.

I watched your dumb ass get caught in that extension cord and watched you fall flat on your face. There is even footage of you sitting by the dumpster in the alley. I’m not positive, but it looked like you were crying.

Jude- Cameras??? Are you serious??? Videotaping the shop must be against my civil rights or something. I think I may call a lawyer. What would make you put cameras up??? Continue reading

the aftermath, Jude shaves his beard

After the horrific clipper scene at Randall’s, Jude found the strength to drag his wounded soul (and beard) back to his apartment. He looked in the mirror and the horror became real.

Half of his beard; his pride and joy, was buzzed from his face. He looked like the pathetic homeless guy on the corner begging for change.

“Why, oh why, did this happen? My plan was perfect,” Jude whined into the mirror.

He was left with no choice, he would have to do what was once unthinkable.

“Clemmy, I’m shaving my beard, no choice, feeling like shit,” Jude texted.

Jude turned the clippers on and did the deed. His hand was shaking as he buzzed what was left of his epic beard. Fortunately, he was able to save his mustache and it actually looked pretty damn cool. His hipster identity would be intact.

He scraped together the last bits of his beard from the sink and put it in a zip lock baggie.

“Beard officially gone, was sad, but mustache looks killer. Mailed beard scraps to Locks of Love, that cancer donation thing for kids,” Jude texted Clemmy. Continue reading

destroy Billy Emo, Part II- the clippers

Scene: Opening Night of Emo-Hip-Centric Nights at Randall’s, Billy Emo about to take the stage

Randall’s was filled with hundreds of emo-looking hipsters and the air was filled with the fading scent of patchouli. The lights went down and Randall’s became dark as midnight. The crowd was silent.

A shadow was seen stepping onto the stage and the sound of fingers tapping the microphone was heard.

“Thank you for coming out tonight. This is new for Randall’s and judging by the incredible turnout, hopefully it will continue. So now, without further delay, please welcome to Randall’s EMO-HIP-CENTRIC nights, DEEEEEEEJAY BILLY EMO,” said manager Cindy.

The whole place erupted in applause while Jude stood in the corner preparing for his attack. His internal organs were bubbling with nervousness and his hands began to shake.

Billy Emo took the stage wearing a black cape, black skinny jeans and a tattered, black Jimmy Eat World shirt. His hair was stringy and raven black. His face was pale like a vampire with a hint of purple eye shadow. Jude’s anger was rising like someone had just stepped on his purple fedora without apologizing.

Billy Emo started spinning the records with the professional prowess of Steve Aoki. Billy Emo didn’t fuck around, he came to turn it out. The crowd of pale faces began to gyrate like meth-heads gorging on fresh bag of crystal.

Jude peered toward the front of Randall’s and saw Clemmy walking in. His stomach began to drop, the time was near.

Clemmy pulled out all the stops. She was wearing a cut-off What’s Happening tee shirt that was so faded you could see the straps of her corduroy bra peeking through. Her corduroy shorts were skin tight and the left back pocket was ripped open, showing her lightly haired butt cheek- almost inviting Billy Emo in for a feel. Continue reading

plan in action, destroy billy emo (part I.)

It was Friday night and time for Jude and Clemmy to put the plan in action. Jude finished his shift around 5 and had a couple of hours before the grand opening of Emo-Hip-Centric-Nights.

There were posters and advertisements hanging all over the interior and exterior of Randall’s, each one featuring Billy Emo. Throughout his entire shift Jude could not escape the straight black hair and pale face of his nemesis. His brain was nearly fried.

And to top of Jude’s disdain, a large crowd of emo looking kids were hanging out in front of Randall’s and several of them were filtering inside.

Jude overheard one of the emo’s say, “This shit is going to be surreal tonight. Billy Emo is probably the best deejay in the city. I heard him do a set in the alley behind Rover’s last summer….. it blew my mind.”

Jude’s anger had almost reached its boiling point. He went into the bathroom and put on a black hoodie that was in Randall’s lost and found bin. He stared into the mirror and winked at himself.

“Tonight is the night I will destroy Billy Emo. Tonight is the night,” Jude whispered sadistically.

He then crept quietly through the hallway and stood motionless in a darkened corner diagonal from the stage.

The countdown was on, 15 minutes until Billy Emo takes the stage.

(Related posts: emo depression smacks jude in the face & jude greeted with emo posters at work.)

the plan to destroy Billy Emo

wahlIn the interest of safety, Jude asked Clemmy to meet him at The Rover. She had to remind him that she was still boycotting the Rubberbandits and everything Irish so they settled on a Turkish Tea house a couple of blocks from Randall’s.

When Clemmy arrived, Jude was already sitting at a booth writing intently in a spiral paper notebook. He appeared disheveled, a bit out of sorts and he was not wearing his purple fedora.

“Hey babe, what’s up,” Clemmy said nervously.

Jude looked up at her, almost staring through her to the wall behind and replied, “I have a plan to destroy Billy Emo and it starts with you.”

Jude continued; “I’m sure you heard that Randall’s hired Billy Emo for two nights of Emo-Hip-Centric -Nights. Well, I can’t stand it and I’m going to end him. I will not let Billy Emo take over my Randall’s.

“Honey, what do you mean by destroy?” Clemmy asked.

Jude’s eyes open wider into odd, crazed globes, “I need you to come to Randall’s on Friday night, the opening of night when Billy Emo will be deejaying. All I need you to do is stand about 10 feet away from his booth and blow him a kiss.”

“Why do I have to do that? You are making me scared Jude and I don’t like it,” Clemmy pleaded. Continue reading

jude greeted with emo posters at work

“Good luck at work today, my sweet, fedora hunk. Rise above the hate. XOXO Clemmy.”  This was the text Jude woke up to on his day back to work.

A cramped smile tried to escape his depressive lips as he finished dressing and left his apartment for Randall’s.

His mind told him to man-up, but his heart told him to fight the new changes. As he walked into Randall’s he eyes immediately fixated on three huge posters hanging from the ceiling. This would truly test Jude’s mettle.

The three life-sized posters were advertisements for Emo-Hip-Centric night. They were floating beneath the ceiling in an almost surreal manner, almost pointing at Jude with disdain.

Each poster was of Billy Emo, with his death black hair, his pale face, spinning records. The title at the top of each poster said: “Emo-Hip-Centric Nights at Randall’s, the NEW COOL.

Jude’s depression had begun to transfer into pure anger and hatred at this point. His sacred Randall’s world was about to be forever changed and he seemed helpless to stop it.

“Clemmy, meet me tonight after work, time to make a plan, billy emo must be destroyed,” Jude texted.

(Related Posts: the infiltration of billy emo,  emo depression smacks Jude in the face)