the confrontation (billy emo threatens jude)

A supporter gestures at the media as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump addresses supporters during a campaign rally for Republican Presidential Donald Trump in CincinnatiJude went back to his register with his unshaven face hanging down like Deputy Dog.  The hipster blood was in the water.

Billy Fucking Emo and his two emo cronies approached Jude like bull sharks ready to feed.

“Hey hipster pussy, you see this shirt, you see this hat???  Fuckin’ A’ right, Trump don’t have time for your touchy, feely, liberal bull-shit, “ Billy Emo said with supreme confidence.  His two associates pointed their fingers while laughing at Jude.

Billy continued, “Nice fuckin’ letter, you pussy, hipster bitch.  Oh, poor little hipster Jude.  Mad that a real man is our president.  No more of this complaining about raising minimum wage and free, fucking health care.”

Jude stared in disbelief.  Just moments earlier he was feeling like a hero, now he was under full Emo-Attack.

“You know ‘William’, I don’t appreciate your anger, your meanness.  This is exactly what I expect from a Trump supporter.  I will have you know that I’m creating an Anit-Hipster-Bullying club and we will do something about people like you,” said Jude.cryinghipster

Laughing so hard he began choking, Billy Emo replied, “O-M- FUCKING-G.  Did you really just say that out loud?????  An Anti-Hipster-Bullying club????  I can’t wait to join.”

Jude stood in disbelief.  He had no idea what to do now.  Billy Emo and his emo cohorts were pointing at the Trump shirts and hats while laughing at him.

He tried his best, but tears began to trickle down his greasy face.  “NO, NO, NO, not now.  Please not now,” Jude thought to himself.

Billy Emo immediately pulled his I Phone from his pocket and took about 20 pictures of Jude crying.

“That’s right bitch.  You know what the next viral video is going to be?????  A hipster-bitch crying his little pussy-ass off because he has hurt feelings.  PUSSSY,” said Billy relentlessly.

“You should Google me bitch.  Oh never mind, you probably use Bing, you sweaty-faced, patchouli stinking hipster,” Billy yelled.

Jude ran back into the break room and dialed Clemmy.

 

 

Billy Emo disses Jude (F-Trump)

emotrumpJude was so impressed with his Trump letter that he decided to post it on the public bulletin board at Randall’s when he went in for his next shift.  Almost immediately, customers began reading it.

Surprising to Jude, many of the customers gave him a thumb’s up and he was beginning to feel good about himself.  He truly felt like he may actually make an impact.

Randall’s was packed and the first three hours of his shift went by quicker than ever.  He went to the backroom and took a break, texting Clemmy:

“Dearest Clemmy, you should see how many people actually like the letter I wrote to Trump.  I posted it on the bulletin board at work, it’s totally killing.”

Little did Jude know – while on his break, something was happening at the Randall’s bulletin board.  And he wasn’t going to be happy.

After texting Clemmy, he twirled his mustache between his fingers and started to walk back out front to continue his shift.  He heard a bit of a commotion, but thought nothing of it at first.rough_day-7104

He saw several people standing around the bulletin board and began to smile as he approached it.  Surely it was more people clamoring to get a look at his Trump letter.

Then, as Jude got closer he saw what the spectacle was about……..

Billy FUCKING Emo was standing next to the bulletin board with a two other Emo’s.  They were all wearing hats and t-shirts that said, “TRUMP IS OUR PRESIDENT – GET THE FUCK OVER IT YOU HIPSTER FUCKS.”

Jude was in shock.  He had no idea what to do next.  He walked behind the counter to his register with his head down.  Billy Emo saw him and started towards him.

 

A hipster’s letter to Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I’ve sat idly and watched as you have reached out to members of the community; white people, black people, Democrats and Republicans.  It deeply saddens me that you have overlooked a significant part of the population who suffers from an extraordinary amount of discrimination.trump

Hipsters.  Yes, I repeat……….HIPSTERS.

I guess you have no idea what it’s like to be so unique, so ahead and behind the times and so in-tune with corduroy that people always look down on you?

While you were using your daddy’s money to get rich, I was growing the perfect beard and searching for records on a daily basis.

During that time I struggled just to buy a regular craft beer like Sierra Nevada.  I struggled to find vintage lunchboxes on Ebay.  Do you know how difficult it is to find a truly incredible lunchbox for under $10???  NO sir, you do not.

mixed-raceWhile you were impregnating hot, European models, I was slinging coffee as a barista at my local coffee store.

I do have a girlfriend, but I’m afraid she is secretly in love with an Emo.  Do you even know what an Emo is???  NO sir, you do not.

And now you have bullied your way in the most powerful position in the world by making fun of people like me.

Being a white Hipster in this day and age is worse than being a 1/3 Black – 1/3 Asian – 1/3 Latina transvestite.  I know their struggles more than you will ever know.

Shame on you Donald Trump, shame on you.  I may be moving to Canada soon.  I don’t want to, but I just might.

Respectfully,

Jude the Hipster

 

 

A hipster solves American gun violence issue

Dear America,

I can’t stand it any longer; Orlando, Baton Rouge and now Fort Myers.  When will the madness end, you may ask?  Well, I can answer that for you.

quote-sticks-and-stones-may-break-your-bones-but-chinese-throwing-stars-get-you-a-dozen-stitches-jim-butcher-43-56-45Since my early hipster days in middle school I championed an incredible idea.  An idea so ahead of its time I was often laughed at for suggesting it.

I will never forget that awful day in debate class when I took the side of anti-gun violence.

The pro-gun advocate was the middle school stud jock named Steve Winslow.  He looked like a real life Ken doll and was already a full-grown man with multiple hot girlfriends.  He was of course my nemesis and he would always make fun of my Sansabelt corduroy shorts.  He was truly terrible.

I listened to him speak about the wonderfulness of guns, the Constitution and all his epic hunting trips with his ultra-Republican dad.  He even brought in 5 of his own personal guns to show the class.  All the students were mesmerized by him and they drooled as he blasted the liberals attempts to solve this issue.  When he finished, the class stood up in unison and applauded him.

I was dead in the water before I even spoke, but thought to myself, “Fuck it, be a man and tell your story.” 

I approached the podium and delivered my idea.  Steve began to laugh and the rest of the class sheep laughed with him.

I ended my speech with this statement that I think is relative today with all the crazy mass shootings:

“I can solve this insane gun violence problem.  I can save more lives from being lost.  With a simple transition, gun violence in America could be defeated.  Listen closely class, listen closely my fellow Americans…………… To end this cycle of violence we must replace all guns with Chinese Throwing Stars.  BAM.  Thank you, thank you very much.”

Although I was laughed at in middle school, this solution is very compelling and could save tons of lives.  Do you even realize how difficult it is to kill someone by throwing Chinese Stars at them?  Nearly impossible.

 

Billy Emo Strikes Again

emo_boy_lol_by_edohackDear Hip Pages, (in response to Why American Sniper Didn’t Win)

I was recently saddened to see that you have let a hipster infiltrate your movie review department.

I thought a news organization was supposed to present both sides of a story?? How can you let a smelly, bearded, never bathing Hipster comment on movies without also letting the alternate side write their own review??

As a upstanding member of the Emo community, I implore you to let the Emo side have a voice too. You may not realize it, but there is a constant battle between the Emo and Hipster communities.

I have personally been at war for quite some time with your movie reviewer Hipster Jude. I think by letting me, Billy Emo, provide an alternative view the Hipster Jude’s columns, your readership will probably double in size literally overnight.

Can’t you imagine it? Hipster vs. Emo movie reviews would provide an insightful view into a well-known cultural war. A culture war that has been boiling on the streets of our city for some time now and is reaching volcanic proportions.

If you want to remain a legitimate news source in this city, you must let the Emo voice be heard. I will be sending an alternative view to why American Sniper didn’t win the Oscar. Respectfully, Billy Emo.

(related posts: 50 Shades of Billy Emo, Ban Hipster Movement, Jude Uses Yelp.)

Why American Sniper Didn’t Win (Jude’s first article)

americansniperWhat transpired at the Oscars this year should come as no surprise and no shock to hipsters across the United States.

American Sniper did not win Best Picture…………American Sniper did not win Best Picture.

Somehow Birdman, starring the washed up Mr. Mom star Michael Keaton was handed the award.

I’m sure you are probably wondering how American Stud Bradley Cooper’s movie didn’t win.  Well that’s pretty simple………………. The Academy was obviously offended by Cooper’s Hipster-ish beard.

Hipsters and their facial hair have long been discriminated against in this country, especially when it comes to the Oscars.  Below is a list of past Best Picture winners that proves the discrimination.

2014- Birdman: (Michael Keaton has never shaved a day in his life)

2013- 12 Years A Slave: (Slave owners beards hardly count, all white men of that period had beards.)

2012- Argo: (Nearly all men in the late 1970’s had beards or porno-staches, that doesn’t county either)

2011- The Artist: (no beards except possibly a slight beard on that idiotic dog, doesn’t count)

2010- The King’s Speech: (All annoying cleanly shaven Brits)

2009- The Hurt Locker: (All cleanly shaven soldiers, hmmmmmmm)

2008- Slumdog Millionare: (Indians can’t even grow a beard)

I think it’s painfully obvious that the Academy has a hidden agenda to keep Hipster-ish beards from winning the best picture.  Unless of course that beard is on the Ben Affleck and he looks like Harry Reams.

Shame on you Academy, shame on you.

 

Hip Page Editor Response

Jude– this “article” is abhorrent. We brought you on staff to write about movie reviews, not give us your opinion on Kayne, Beck and Hipsters. We truly have no time for your mindless drivel.

This “article” is ridiculous and lacks an original, intelligent thought. And your use of the word “stalwart” is offensive. Sure, it’s a real word, but the way you use it is baffling.

We are not in the business of issuing warnings to our contributors; so let this serve as your final warning. I need a real article about why American Sniper didn’t win best picture.

Email it to me within 48 hours. If you can’t make this timeline, lose my email.

Best Regards,

Hip Page Editor (a real writer who cannot retrieve the lost time I spent writing this to you)