A hipster solves American gun violence issue

Dear America,

I can’t stand it any longer; Orlando, Baton Rouge and now Fort Myers.  When will the madness end, you may ask?  Well, I can answer that for you.

quote-sticks-and-stones-may-break-your-bones-but-chinese-throwing-stars-get-you-a-dozen-stitches-jim-butcher-43-56-45Since my early hipster days in middle school I championed an incredible idea.  An idea so ahead of its time I was often laughed at for suggesting it.

I will never forget that awful day in debate class when I took the side of anti-gun violence.

The pro-gun advocate was the middle school stud jock named Steve Winslow.  He looked like a real life Ken doll and was already a full-grown man with multiple hot girlfriends.  He was of course my nemesis and he would always make fun of my Sansabelt corduroy shorts.  He was truly terrible.

I listened to him speak about the wonderfulness of guns, the Constitution and all his epic hunting trips with his ultra-Republican dad.  He even brought in 5 of his own personal guns to show the class.  All the students were mesmerized by him and they drooled as he blasted the liberals attempts to solve this issue.  When he finished, the class stood up in unison and applauded him.

I was dead in the water before I even spoke, but thought to myself, “Fuck it, be a man and tell your story.” 

I approached the podium and delivered my idea.  Steve began to laugh and the rest of the class sheep laughed with him.

I ended my speech with this statement that I think is relative today with all the crazy mass shootings:

“I can solve this insane gun violence problem.  I can save more lives from being lost.  With a simple transition, gun violence in America could be defeated.  Listen closely class, listen closely my fellow Americans…………… To end this cycle of violence we must replace all guns with Chinese Throwing Stars.  BAM.  Thank you, thank you very much.”

Although I was laughed at in middle school, this solution is very compelling and could save tons of lives.  Do you even realize how difficult it is to kill someone by throwing Chinese Stars at them?  Nearly impossible.


Billy Emo Strikes Again

emo_boy_lol_by_edohackDear Hip Pages, (in response to Why American Sniper Didn’t Win)

I was recently saddened to see that you have let a hipster infiltrate your movie review department.

I thought a news organization was supposed to present both sides of a story?? How can you let a smelly, bearded, never bathing Hipster comment on movies without also letting the alternate side write their own review??

As a upstanding member of the Emo community, I implore you to let the Emo side have a voice too. You may not realize it, but there is a constant battle between the Emo and Hipster communities.

I have personally been at war for quite some time with your movie reviewer Hipster Jude. I think by letting me, Billy Emo, provide an alternative view the Hipster Jude’s columns, your readership will probably double in size literally overnight.

Can’t you imagine it? Hipster vs. Emo movie reviews would provide an insightful view into a well-known cultural war. A culture war that has been boiling on the streets of our city for some time now and is reaching volcanic proportions.

If you want to remain a legitimate news source in this city, you must let the Emo voice be heard. I will be sending an alternative view to why American Sniper didn’t win the Oscar. Respectfully, Billy Emo.

(related posts: 50 Shades of Billy Emo, Ban Hipster Movement, Jude Uses Yelp.)

Why American Sniper Didn’t Win (Jude’s first article)

americansniperWhat transpired at the Oscars this year should come as no surprise and no shock to hipsters across the United States.

American Sniper did not win Best Picture…………American Sniper did not win Best Picture.

Somehow Birdman, starring the washed up Mr. Mom star Michael Keaton was handed the award.

I’m sure you are probably wondering how American Stud Bradley Cooper’s movie didn’t win.  Well that’s pretty simple………………. The Academy was obviously offended by Cooper’s Hipster-ish beard.

Hipsters and their facial hair have long been discriminated against in this country, especially when it comes to the Oscars.  Below is a list of past Best Picture winners that proves the discrimination.

2014- Birdman: (Michael Keaton has never shaved a day in his life)

2013- 12 Years A Slave: (Slave owners beards hardly count, all white men of that period had beards.)

2012- Argo: (Nearly all men in the late 1970’s had beards or porno-staches, that doesn’t county either)

2011- The Artist: (no beards except possibly a slight beard on that idiotic dog, doesn’t count)

2010- The King’s Speech: (All annoying cleanly shaven Brits)

2009- The Hurt Locker: (All cleanly shaven soldiers, hmmmmmmm)

2008- Slumdog Millionare: (Indians can’t even grow a beard)

I think it’s painfully obvious that the Academy has a hidden agenda to keep Hipster-ish beards from winning the best picture.  Unless of course that beard is on the Ben Affleck and he looks like Harry Reams.

Shame on you Academy, shame on you.


Hip Page Editor Response

Jude– this “article” is abhorrent. We brought you on staff to write about movie reviews, not give us your opinion on Kayne, Beck and Hipsters. We truly have no time for your mindless drivel.

This “article” is ridiculous and lacks an original, intelligent thought. And your use of the word “stalwart” is offensive. Sure, it’s a real word, but the way you use it is baffling.

We are not in the business of issuing warnings to our contributors; so let this serve as your final warning. I need a real article about why American Sniper didn’t win best picture.

Email it to me within 48 hours. If you can’t make this timeline, lose my email.

Best Regards,

Hip Page Editor (a real writer who cannot retrieve the lost time I spent writing this to you)

Jude’s letter to Kayne

(Jude writes a mini-column and submits it to his editor at the Hip Page)

kaynebeckDear Kayne,

You have really done it now Kayne. When you “fake” interrupted Beck’s acceptance speech at the Grammy’s, you did something that you probably didn’t realize.

You stepped, I mean, hurdled over the Hipster Line. Beck has been a stalwart of the Hipster community for years. His music, his hats, his dancing and even his Scientology have been helping the Hipster community salivate into their craft beers for ages.

When you approached the stage, my fedora shook and my mustache nearly wilted from the anticipation of what you might do.

In true Hipster fashion, Beck calmly invited you to join him instead of losing his cool. That’s because he’s Hipster, through and through. Hipsters don’t loose their cool.

Hipsters aren’t scared of black men with odd jaw-lines who think they are Jesus reincarnated. Hipsters don’t marry women who make crappy, amateur porn videos with wannabe rappers. Hipsters never falter.

So your pathetic attempt to poke fun at yourself by “fake” interrupting Beck was a dismal failure.

Most of our culture has been fooled by your misguided confidence and Titanic-sized ego. But there is one sub-culture that will never fall for your rouse.

So, while you are at home licking Kim’s tainted buttocks, remember that the Hipster community is using a picture of your face as a urinal cake. Millions of hipsters will read this and millions will laugh at your jowls.


Jude the Hip-Page Movie Reviewer

jude “can’t breathe” an open letter to white america

breathe(Scene: Jude writes a letter to White America, hoping the Hip Page will print it now since he is an employee)

Dear White America,

Although I am white, I KNOW what discrimination is.  I KNOW what racism is.

I feel terrible for all those poor African-American men who have been murdered by the police.  I know exactly how they must have felt.

Being a hipster, I face discrimination on a daily basis.  People walk by me and scowl.  People walk by me holding their noses while they point at me and laugh.  People, especially white jocks, mock my beard, my hair and my superior musical tastes.

But the most difficult discrimination I face is Patchouli Discrimination.  You see White America, I wear patchouli in many different forms; lotions, hair gel, deodorant, etc.  It’s natural, it’s off the earth and it keeps me close to nature.

Just the other day a customer at Randall’s bought their coffee from me and then shouted “I CAN’T BREATHE!!!!, because of my patchouli.  I was devastated.

At that moment, I fully understood the discrimination that Mike Brown and Eric Garner must have endured.  I felt like I had walked in their shoes.

I plead to you WHITE AMERICA- end this senseless discrimination and end it now..  How many more hipsters must be humiliated before this country changes?  HOW MANY MORE????

I cry with the Brown and Garner families.  I feel you homies. Last night I poured out half a pint of Pabst Blue Ribbon on the sidewalk in your honor.

Wake up America, Wake up.


Hipster Jude

open mic night (braggart jude)

Scene: Jude is so excited about his new project with the Hip Page, he’s pretty much pissing himself.  He invited Clemmy to open mic night at Randall’s for her to hear his new offering.  Randall’s is busy and Jude goes on first.  The lights dim, Clemmy is standing at the back waiting excitedly.

Jude- I would like to dedicate my newest offering to my dearest Clemmy and to all my fellow hipster supporters out there and especially Billy Emo.  I call it;

Suck On It B.E.

You doubted me, you mocked my every move

while I filled your cups with the latest brews

you pointed your plastic fingers

directly in my face,

told me I would never escape the latte grind,

while I choked on the cream and sugar

Because of my talent, my immense creative skills,

Take a look at the newest movie reviewer for the Hip Pages.

So thanks for the jeers, thanks for always doubting me so……

Lick my hairy, white ass muther’ fuckers’


After speaking the last line, Jude dropped the mic violently to the ground.  Violently, like he just became the Randall’s MMA champion by submitting Billy Emo with a vicious choke-hold.

Clemmy stared in disbelief and confusion.  She wasn’t sure whether to be pissed off or to take her man into the back alley and blow him like a Dyson.

Is Jude finished at Randall’s?  Is Jude actually going to be a published writer now?