Tag Archives: hipsters

the swim-off (part II)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)

the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading

Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) takes action

As Jude walked in to Randall’s for his regular shift he noticed a few emos gathered around the light pole in front. They were pointing in his direction and were obviously laughing at him.

“Why the hell are you laughing at me!!! You got a problem,” Jude yelled angrily at them.

One of the emos threw a flyer to the ground in front of him, turned away laughing and ran with the others down the street.

Jude picked up the flyer and it read:

The Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) Invites you to a Special Event

WHAT IS IT?….. The Destroy HipsterJude Swim-Off, Loser quits his job at Randall’s

WHERE & WHEN?…. The YMCA, next Sunday, everyone come to watch, it’s free

WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?… Billy Emo will Obliterate HipsterJude at the YMCA pool and HipsterJude will be forced to resign from Randall’s.

(P.S. Make sure to stop by Randall’s and “wish” Jude good luck, HA HA HA)

Obviously Jude was seriously pissed and he crumpled the flyer and threw it on the sidewalk. He immediately grabbed his phone to text Clemmy and Stefan when he noticed a new email from Clemmy.

The subject line of the email read, “Please Read ASAP.”

(Related posts……..Occupy Randall’s part II……..Occupy Randall’s part I…….Clemmy’s good luck present to Jude)

face in the pillows (hipster sex)

After the protest, Clemmy found herself sexually attracted to Jude like never before. Watching him stand up to Billy Emo without a shed of fear absolutely toasted her hairy loins.

His new-found manliness reminded her of a quote in Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer; “I have found God, but he is insufficient.”  Jude was her God now.

“Tonight’s the night. Take me to your apartment and put my face in the pillows,” she whispered into his ear.

She wanted to be ravaged by her man. She wanted her stud to relieve all those weeks of built-up tension and anxiety. She wanted her man to provide that cathartic release she had been missing for so long.

Hand in hand, they both rushed to Jude’s apartment; his mustache blowing in the wind and her female scent escaping into the night air. They barely made it inside the door before Jude’s tongue was licking the side of her face. His greasy mustache brushed up and down her cheek, turning her skin red.

She let out a strangled moan of sheer, hipster ecstasy. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh.”

In one motion, he pushed her through the doorway, spun her around almost violently onto his couch. He pushed her face into the couch pillows, pulling her butt into the air as her back arched.

Jude was a lion and Clemmy his lioness.  He gently licked the nape of her neck before biting down, almost drawing blood. Continue reading

Occupy Randall’s (Part II)

Exactly as Stefan had scripted, Billy Emo appeared in front of them all. His jet-black hair was pulled to the side revealing his incredible tattoo.

His black cape flowed elegantly as he slowly approached Stefan. Because of the humidity, his black eyeliner began to drip down his pale, white cheeks.

The hipsters became silent and stared in fear.

“I know who you are Stefan. I fear no man. What is your challenge,” Billy Emo voiced with confidence.

“I will put up my strongest, most intelligent, most un-mainstream hipster against you,” Stefan replied.

Raising his hands to the sky in a god-like pose, Billy Emo replied, “No hipster could best me at anything. I am Billy Emo and I fucking rule. BRING IT ON.”

“Oh, it’s brought. I challenge you to a swim-off at the Y against my dear fellow hipster Jude. On the second Sunday of next month, 10 A.M. The loser has to quit working at Randall’s,” Stefan said with a smile.

Jude tweaked his mustache and walked up from the crowd directly in front of Billy Emo. He raised both his middle fingers and pointed them inches from Billy Emo’s face.

Clemmy’s loins heated up and her woman parts began to tingle.  Her sweet Jude was transforming into a Hipster bad-ass right before her eyes.

“I AM GOING TO END YOU BILLY EMO. BE SCARED, BE VERY SCARED.” 

Amazingly, Billy Emo’s pale face became even paler and his lip quivered. His fear was real.

Could this be the beginning of the end of Billy Emo?????

Occupy Randall’s (Part I)

hipsterScene: Stefan texts Jude about the first protest. Protest takes place at Emo-Hip-Centric Night at Randall’s. It’s a hot, humid, normal Florida summer night.

Stefan’s Text- Jude, Occupy Randall’s 9 PM, bring Clemmy, signs provided, 35 people already confirmed.

Jude immediately called Clemmy and told her to get ready. Having a new ally in his fight filled him with a much-needed excitement.

They both arrived at Randall’s and couldn’t believe what they saw. There were at least 45 hipsters with picket signs, walking in a circle chanting repeatedly in unison, “WHAT DO WE WANT? EMOS TO DIE? WHEN DO WE WANT THEM TO DIE? RIGHT NOW!!!”

Stefan was in the middle of the circle standing on a footstool which elevated him a couple feet above the picketers. He was wearing a velour, mustard orange fedora and a super tight white shirt with the words “Forever Hipster” on it.

He wasn’t saying word. He simply stood there holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can defiantly in the air. Jude and Clemmy were mesmerized by his confidence.  He seemed like a true leader of men, a leader of women…… and most importantly, a leader of hipsters.

Jude and Clemmy quickly grabbed two signs and joined the protest. Each protester seemed to share their amazing hatred for emo culture. For the first time in a long while they truly felt at home.

As expected, the emos inside Randall’s began filtering out to the street glaring at the Hipsters with disdain. The mood quickly turned confrontational. The hipsters kept chanting, while several of the emos began yelling disparaging comments about corduroy and record players.

With the temperature rising, Stefan threw his PBR can violently into the gathering emos and produced a mega-phone.

“SHOW YOURSELF, BILLY BILLY EMO. I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU. SHOW YOURSELF NOW!!!!”

(to be continued)

Related Posts: Emo depression smacks Jude in the face…….Plan in action, destroy Billy Emo part 1……. Destroy Billy Emo part II the clippers

Jude’s new poem to Clemmy

Image from: www.axs.com

Image from: http://www.axs.com

 

Clemmy my love,

I wrote this right after the Billy Emo debacle and wanted to share it with you.

I was thinking about reading it at open mic night, but wanted to check with you first.

I know things have been a little crazy lately and I want to make sure this is cool with you.

Let me know what you think:

The Failed Plan

Nearly perfect, my plan to destroy

The emo infiltrator and his infantile little ploy.

He jumped into my world of cloves and Turkish tea

Jealous of my Clemmy and our relationship to be

The extension cord of death, grabbed my leg, made me crash

My clippers missed their mark, now I have a rad stache.

This fight is not over, I will find your Achilles heel

Go ahead, keep fucking with me billy emo

I am the real deal.

Clemmy teared up while reading this and told Jude that she would be honored for him to read it at open mic night.