Monthly Archives: January 2017

Million Hipster March (screw Trump)

march_for_womenAfter Jude’s terrible week dealing with being berated by President Trump, Clemmy finally reached out to him.

She texted- “Jude, I think I have all of our problems solved, sending u an email now, dearest Clemmy.”

Jude finally had a light at the end of the tunnel.  He opened the email on his phone immediately:

My Sweet Jude,

I’ve been watching the news since the inauguration and have been so inspired by all the protesters.  So many strong, open-minded women marching in support of their vaginas.  Marching for their “equal” rights.  Marching in solidarity against that evil, egotistical, orange-faced tyrant.  I even say women wearing uterus hats, it’s amazing to see.  People are truly standing up for what they believe in.  I even saw men marching hand-in-hand with these women…… so amazing.

I had tears in my eyes when I saw how Trump responded to your letter.  My heart truly broke into itsy, bitsy pieces.   And then it hit me.  We have to organize.  We have to unite. 

WE HAVE TO REPLY WITH A MILLION HIPSTER MARCH ON WASHINGTON.

OMG, could you even imagine???? We will organize hipsters from across the entire country and march right up to the White House and let Trump hear our voices.  We can let him know that we will not be bullied, we will not be degraded and we will not be laughed at.

I can hardly contain my excitement.  My nipples are poking through my favorite corduroy bra:) I’m forwarding this email to Stefan to get the wheels rolling.

I’ve felt so helpless in the past about helping you and finally, I’ve found a way to truly be your woman.

Meet me at Randall’s tomorrow night so we can discuss the plan more and then maybe we can recreate that “face in the pillows” night we had.

With love,

Clemmy

 

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Trump replies to a hipster

donald-trumpDear Hipster Schmuck,

Believe it or not, I did read your letter.  Well, I had someone read it to me.  And I have a few things to tell you.

Thanks for not voting for me.  I didn’t need your sorry, smelly Hipster vote.  You are exactly what’s wrong with this country.  You are a perfect example of the “Pussification” of America.

You work at a coffee shop, probably making barely over minimum wage.  You have no desire or aspiration to be better, to become someone more or to actual buy the coffee shop and then flip it for a profit.  (You could have enrolled in Trump University and that last sentence would have made more sense to you.)

You probably only shower once or twice a week, thinking all that patchouli oil covers up your smell.  I have news for you dumb-ass, you Fu***** smell.  Every normal person knows what that oil is covering up…………… the scent of laziness.

You sit around waiting for handouts, waiting for your free ride, waiting for your ObamaCare.  Hey, guess what????  I’m repealing that shit and anything else that Kenyan put into place.

And one more thing before I take a shit on one of my gold-plated toilets……. you should try to be a little more like that Billy Emo kid.  I retweeted the picture of him wearing my hat and shirt.  He seems like a real “go-getter.”

P.S.- take more baths

P.S.S.- hit me up on Twitter some time

P.S.S.S.- Don’t you just love me?????

Cheers,

The Best President in the History of Ever- D. Trump

 

A pathetic Hipster voice mail

cryinghipsterJude dialed Clemmy, but she didn’t answer.  So, he left a tear-filled message.

“Dearest Clemmy, why aren’t you answering your phone?  Aside from the day Trump beat Hillary, today was probably the worst day of my life.  Oh and even worse than the day I found out you used to date Billy Emo.

Billy Fucking Emo and two of his Emo fucking friends came in to Randall’s and mocked me relentlessly today.  They were wearing Trump hats, Trump shirts and wear laughing at my letter.  (sniffling)

It was so horrible.  It brought back memories when I ordered that vintage Chewbacca lunch box on Ebay and it turned out to be a fake and then I couldn’t get my money back.

They were pointing their fingers at me, laughing at me.  They were so damn mean.  It was brutal.  It was worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had.  It was worse than the time my mom caught me jerking off to the bra section of the Sears catalog.  I mean, I didn’t have internet when I was 13, what was I supposed to do????

I just don’t understand why Billy keeps fucking with me, with us.  I thought things were getting better.  And then came Trump.

It’s like Billy thinks he can do anything he wants, talk to me anyway he pleases now that we have an asshole as our President.

I heard from some people at Randall’s one day that Trump was going to introduce legislation that actually lets people bully other people.  At first, I thought that was totally shit, but now I’m seriously worried.

I think I may have to quit Randall’s and I think I may have to move.

Please call me back, please.  (more sniffling).  I….. need….you….badly.

 

 

 

 

the confrontation (billy emo threatens jude)

A supporter gestures at the media as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump addresses supporters during a campaign rally for Republican Presidential Donald Trump in CincinnatiJude went back to his register with his unshaven face hanging down like Deputy Dog.  The hipster blood was in the water.

Billy Fucking Emo and his two emo cronies approached Jude like bull sharks ready to feed.

“Hey hipster pussy, you see this shirt, you see this hat???  Fuckin’ A’ right, Trump don’t have time for your touchy, feely, liberal bull-shit, “ Billy Emo said with supreme confidence.  His two associates pointed their fingers while laughing at Jude.

Billy continued, “Nice fuckin’ letter, you pussy, hipster bitch.  Oh, poor little hipster Jude.  Mad that a real man is our president.  No more of this complaining about raising minimum wage and free, fucking health care.”

Jude stared in disbelief.  Just moments earlier he was feeling like a hero, now he was under full Emo-Attack.

“You know ‘William’, I don’t appreciate your anger, your meanness.  This is exactly what I expect from a Trump supporter.  I will have you know that I’m creating an Anit-Hipster-Bullying club and we will do something about people like you,” said Jude.cryinghipster

Laughing so hard he began choking, Billy Emo replied, “O-M- FUCKING-G.  Did you really just say that out loud?????  An Anti-Hipster-Bullying club????  I can’t wait to join.”

Jude stood in disbelief.  He had no idea what to do now.  Billy Emo and his emo cohorts were pointing at the Trump shirts and hats while laughing at him.

He tried his best, but tears began to trickle down his greasy face.  “NO, NO, NO, not now.  Please not now,” Jude thought to himself.

Billy Emo immediately pulled his I Phone from his pocket and took about 20 pictures of Jude crying.

“That’s right bitch.  You know what the next viral video is going to be?????  A hipster-bitch crying his little pussy-ass off because he has hurt feelings.  PUSSSY,” said Billy relentlessly.

“You should Google me bitch.  Oh never mind, you probably use Bing, you sweaty-faced, patchouli stinking hipster,” Billy yelled.

Jude ran back into the break room and dialed Clemmy.

 

 

Billy Emo disses Jude (F-Trump)

emotrumpJude was so impressed with his Trump letter that he decided to post it on the public bulletin board at Randall’s when he went in for his next shift.  Almost immediately, customers began reading it.

Surprising to Jude, many of the customers gave him a thumb’s up and he was beginning to feel good about himself.  He truly felt like he may actually make an impact.

Randall’s was packed and the first three hours of his shift went by quicker than ever.  He went to the backroom and took a break, texting Clemmy:

“Dearest Clemmy, you should see how many people actually like the letter I wrote to Trump.  I posted it on the bulletin board at work, it’s totally killing.”

Little did Jude know – while on his break, something was happening at the Randall’s bulletin board.  And he wasn’t going to be happy.

After texting Clemmy, he twirled his mustache between his fingers and started to walk back out front to continue his shift.  He heard a bit of a commotion, but thought nothing of it at first.rough_day-7104

He saw several people standing around the bulletin board and began to smile as he approached it.  Surely it was more people clamoring to get a look at his Trump letter.

Then, as Jude got closer he saw what the spectacle was about……..

Billy FUCKING Emo was standing next to the bulletin board with a two other Emo’s.  They were all wearing hats and t-shirts that said, “TRUMP IS OUR PRESIDENT – GET THE FUCK OVER IT YOU HIPSTER FUCKS.”

Jude was in shock.  He had no idea what to do next.  He walked behind the counter to his register with his head down.  Billy Emo saw him and started towards him.

 

A hipster’s letter to Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I’ve sat idly and watched as you have reached out to members of the community; white people, black people, Democrats and Republicans.  It deeply saddens me that you have overlooked a significant part of the population who suffers from an extraordinary amount of discrimination.trump

Hipsters.  Yes, I repeat……….HIPSTERS.

I guess you have no idea what it’s like to be so unique, so ahead and behind the times and so in-tune with corduroy that people always look down on you?

While you were using your daddy’s money to get rich, I was growing the perfect beard and searching for records on a daily basis.

During that time I struggled just to buy a regular craft beer like Sierra Nevada.  I struggled to find vintage lunchboxes on Ebay.  Do you know how difficult it is to find a truly incredible lunchbox for under $10???  NO sir, you do not.

mixed-raceWhile you were impregnating hot, European models, I was slinging coffee as a barista at my local coffee store.

I do have a girlfriend, but I’m afraid she is secretly in love with an Emo.  Do you even know what an Emo is???  NO sir, you do not.

And now you have bullied your way in the most powerful position in the world by making fun of people like me.

Being a white Hipster in this day and age is worse than being a 1/3 Black – 1/3 Asian – 1/3 Latina transvestite.  I know their struggles more than you will ever know.

Shame on you Donald Trump, shame on you.  I may be moving to Canada soon.  I don’t want to, but I just might.

Respectfully,

Jude the Hipster

 

 

A hipster solves American gun violence issue

Dear America,

I can’t stand it any longer; Orlando, Baton Rouge and now Fort Myers.  When will the madness end, you may ask?  Well, I can answer that for you.

quote-sticks-and-stones-may-break-your-bones-but-chinese-throwing-stars-get-you-a-dozen-stitches-jim-butcher-43-56-45Since my early hipster days in middle school I championed an incredible idea.  An idea so ahead of its time I was often laughed at for suggesting it.

I will never forget that awful day in debate class when I took the side of anti-gun violence.

The pro-gun advocate was the middle school stud jock named Steve Winslow.  He looked like a real life Ken doll and was already a full-grown man with multiple hot girlfriends.  He was of course my nemesis and he would always make fun of my Sansabelt corduroy shorts.  He was truly terrible.

I listened to him speak about the wonderfulness of guns, the Constitution and all his epic hunting trips with his ultra-Republican dad.  He even brought in 5 of his own personal guns to show the class.  All the students were mesmerized by him and they drooled as he blasted the liberals attempts to solve this issue.  When he finished, the class stood up in unison and applauded him.

I was dead in the water before I even spoke, but thought to myself, “Fuck it, be a man and tell your story.” 

I approached the podium and delivered my idea.  Steve began to laugh and the rest of the class sheep laughed with him.

I ended my speech with this statement that I think is relative today with all the crazy mass shootings:

“I can solve this insane gun violence problem.  I can save more lives from being lost.  With a simple transition, gun violence in America could be defeated.  Listen closely class, listen closely my fellow Americans…………… To end this cycle of violence we must replace all guns with Chinese Throwing Stars.  BAM.  Thank you, thank you very much.”

Although I was laughed at in middle school, this solution is very compelling and could save tons of lives.  Do you even realize how difficult it is to kill someone by throwing Chinese Stars at them?  Nearly impossible.