Monthly Archives: April 2017

the song

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain,” Bob Marley

For several hours after Clemmy left his apartment, Jude could only think about how to save her. He thought back to that first date and how she was so enamored by the record player he brought to Randall’s.

He remembered that smile and he wished he could reach out and touch her beautiful lips again. But she seemed so far away. He had so many ideas running through his head on how to win her back.

Then suddenly, a scene from his favorite movie Say Anything, danced into his brain. He knew what to do.

He quickly grabbed his ukulele, put on his purple fedora and ran to Clemmy’s apartment. He arrived outside her apartment, sweating from running. (Jude hasn’t ever run more than 2 blocks in his life and he was a bit out of breath.)

He texted Clemmy to look down from her second story window and he began to strum and sing……

“Ohhhhhhh Clemmy, my sweet patchouli muse,

your heart so pure, it’s you I can’t lose.

Ohhhhhhh Clemmy, such a mistake I made.

It’s only been a few hours, but your heart I can’t trade.

Ohhhhhhh Clemmy, can you please forgive?

My sweet patchouli muse, without you I can’t live.”

“Die you stupid hipster,” was heard from Clemmy’s downstairs neighbor, but it did not deter Jude.

He looked up and could see a few tears falling down her cheeks, but she had yet to speak.

She unbuttoned her shorts (the assless corduroy ones), pulled them off and held them out the window in his direction. Although it was dark he could see a hint of her untrimmed bush and his loins began to melt. With her other hand she lit the shorts on fire and an enormous smile crossed her face.

She threw the shorts out the window and they drifted to the ground in a bright, orange flare that illuminated her face in the window. It was a sign that she was prepared to give Jude her full heart.

She blew him a kiss, he pulled off his purple fedora and pretended to catch it.

And to Jude’s relief, the hip-fatuation was back on.


50 shades of Billy Emo

As Clemmy left the apartment, Jude watched her from the window in disbelief.  He could see her bare ass cheek floating down the sidewalk and suddenly wished his hand was still caressing it.

He began to seriously wonder if he had just ruined the hipfatuation.

He picked up his phone to send her an apology text when he noticed a Yelp notification that nearly sent him into hysterics:

Yelp- Randall’s Review by EmoLover 24:

Dude, just went to Randall’s for Emo-Hip-Centric Night and seriously had my mind blown. Billy Emo did a “50 Shades of Billy Emo” show that was ridonkulous. He shaved the side of his head and has a bitchin new vampire-dragon tattoo that crawls from his head down his neck like magic. Then he plays this sexy-ass music and if you pay $3, you get to go into the red room of pain. He handcuffs you to a chair while he gives you a lap dance. OMG, my panties melted. He even gave me his phone number and told me to text him:)  Billy Emo is the freakin’ baddest ass thing to hit Randall’s ever. I WILL BE THERE EVERY WEEK

Jude threw his phone to the floor and sunk into his beanbag chair. He pulled out his journal and started penning a new apology poem for Clemmy.  With his world at Randall’s melting before his eyes, he has to find a way to keep his love.

“I have to make this right. I don’t think I can live without my patchouli muse.”

(Related Posts: The Massage.……Jude Meets with Cindy (the tatttoo)……the Aftermath, jude shaves his beard)

The Massage

Scene: Clemmy goes to Jude’s apartment to give him a massage. He is still floating in his Xanax dream when she arrives. She is wearing a robe to hide the clothes underneath so it will be a surprise.

Clemmy walked in to Jude’s apartment and he greeted her with a languid, sloppy hug.

“Wow, those pills really seem to be working. Now take your shirt off, lay on the coffee table because I’m about to blow your mind,” she said.

From her gingham bag, Clemmy pulled out four patchouli candles, patchouli massage oil and her cassette player. With Jude laying face down on the coffee table she lit the candles, dropped her robe to the ground and pushed “play” on the cassette.

Thelonious Monk live in Paris 1967 filled the air as she dimmed the lights.

She dripped the patchouli massage oil on the middle of Jude’s upper back and whispered into his ear:

“Just relax my sweet Jude. Picture yourself riding your fixed-gear bike alone on the beach as the waves gently splash the shore while I await you with a vegan Kale shake.”

Jude let out a soft moan as he began to sink into the coffee table like it was luxurious Marriott hotel pillow.

Clemmy began to rub aggressively up and down Jude’s patchy-haired back, blowing into his ears with each swipe. His moans became louder and he began to slip into another Xanax induced dream. Continue reading

Dear Mr. Xanax (jude relaxes)

Dear Mr. Xanax,

Thank you so much for finally making your way into my bloodstream. I never realized the depth of your powers until now.

As you know, I am a hipster and I deal with hipster racism every day which causes me a ton of stress.  But I’ve always been too scared of doctors.

Needles scare me. Blood tests scare me. A doctor’s old, frigid hand checking me for a hernia scares me. But, I did it anyway. After all these years, I did it. I made the appointment and put on the gown. After the whole billy emo situation, I had to.

I sat on the sterile, paper covered table and spoke freely about my symptoms. I let it all out. The mean note, the infiltration of billy emo, finding out about Clemmy dating billy emo, the emo posters at Randall’s, the plan gone bad……. I spewed it all out to the white-coated man like I was a child crying to my mommy for sympathy.

All those weeks of my heart pounding out of my chest as I tried to figure out how to handle everything. All those sleepless nights filled with intense worry about billy emo. All those weeks of anxiety, eating me alive from the inside out. All gone now.

One little orange pill, placed correctly on the middle of my tongue, a splash of water and I tilt my head back. Calm, peace and clarity.  I feel like I am floating in a dream-world of multi-colored fedoras, vintage records, G.I. Joe lunchboxes and vegan dessert delights.

You are amazing Mr. Xanax. The doctor was right, you do work quickly.

Where have you been my whole life Mr. Xanax? Clemmy, my patchouli muse, is coming over to give me a massage and I can’t freakin’ wait.

Yours Truly,


dear diary, more Clemmy confessions

Dear Diary,

Well, things have been a bit of a mess lately. My ex, Billy Emo, has continued to torment Jude and I feel so horribly guilty for it. Jude’s plan backfired and he ended up buzzing part of his beard off.

I loved his beard, probably more than anything else about him. Being the totally amazing hipster that he is, he was able to shave it and leave a killer mustache.  But, I really miss the beard.

Now he’s been suspended from Randall’s for a week by that manager bitch Cindy. Apparently they have security cameras that recorded everything.  That has to be against Jude’s constitutional rights or something.

It seemed like just the other day when our hands met together on the Public Enemy tape. Oh how I wish I could rewind and just tell him about Billy Emo when we first met. I just hope that Jude never sees the pictures Billy Emo has of me. That could be devastating. If Jude sees those pictures…..

Anyway, Jude made an appointment with his doctor to get some anxiety medicine, thank goodness for Obamacare. I’m hoping that will help him cope with what’s happening and get him through the week. He loves Randall’s, maybe more than he loves me, his patchouli muse.

After his appointment, I think I will go to his apartment and give him a proper massage.  I just got a new corduroy bra and I will wear those shorts I wore the other night that shows my ass cheek.

Fingers crossed……….


Jude meets with Cindy (the new tattoo)

Scene: After the Billy Emo hair buzzing incident at Randall’s, Jude’s manager Cindy texted him to come in for a meeting ASAP.

Cindy- I called you in today because of the “event” that took place the other night.

Jude (acting bewildered) What “event” are you speaking about?

Cindy (getting angry)- Are you kidding me Jude??? I watched the video surveillance footage from that night and you know what I saw?

Jude (getting nervous) Um, we have cameras at Randall’s???

Cindy- I watched you pick out a black hoodie from our lost and found bin, put it on and go into the bathroom. Then I watched you walk out of the bathroom, hide in a dark corner by the stage and attack Billy Emo.

I watched your dumb ass get caught in that extension cord and watched you fall flat on your face. There is even footage of you sitting by the dumpster in the alley. I’m not positive, but it looked like you were crying.

Jude- Cameras??? Are you serious??? Videotaping the shop must be against my civil rights or something. I think I may call a lawyer. What would make you put cameras up??? Continue reading

the aftermath, Jude shaves his beard

After the horrific clipper scene at Randall’s, Jude found the strength to drag his wounded soul (and beard) back to his apartment. He looked in the mirror and the horror became real.

Half of his beard; his pride and joy, was buzzed from his face. He looked like the pathetic homeless guy on the corner begging for change.

“Why, oh why, did this happen? My plan was perfect,” Jude whined into the mirror.

He was left with no choice, he would have to do what was once unthinkable.

“Clemmy, I’m shaving my beard, no choice, feeling like shit,” Jude texted.

Jude turned the clippers on and did the deed. His hand was shaking as he buzzed what was left of his epic beard. Fortunately, he was able to save his mustache and it actually looked pretty damn cool. His hipster identity would be intact.

He scraped together the last bits of his beard from the sink and put it in a zip lock baggie.

“Beard officially gone, was sad, but mustache looks killer. Mailed beard scraps to Locks of Love, that cancer donation thing for kids,” Jude texted Clemmy. Continue reading