Scene: Opening Night of Emo-Hip-Centric Nights at Randall’s, Billy Emo about to take the stage
Randall’s was filled with hundreds of emo-looking hipsters and the air was filled with the fading scent of patchouli. The lights went down and Randall’s became dark as midnight. The crowd was silent.
A shadow was seen stepping onto the stage and the sound of fingers tapping the microphone was heard.
“Thank you for coming out tonight. This is new for Randall’s and judging by the incredible turnout, hopefully it will continue. So now, without further delay, please welcome to Randall’s EMO-HIP-CENTRIC nights, DEEEEEEEJAY BILLY EMO,” said manager Cindy.
The whole place erupted in applause while Jude stood in the corner preparing for his attack. His internal organs were bubbling with nervousness and his hands began to shake.
Billy Emo took the stage wearing a black cape, black skinny jeans and a tattered, black Jimmy Eat World shirt. His hair was stringy and raven black. His face was pale like a vampire with a hint of purple eye shadow. Jude’s anger was rising like someone had just stepped on his purple fedora without apologizing.
Billy Emo started spinning the records with the professional prowess of Steve Aoki. Billy Emo didn’t fuck around, he came to turn it out. The crowd of pale faces began to gyrate like meth-heads gorging on fresh bag of crystal.
Jude peered toward the front of Randall’s and saw Clemmy walking in. His stomach began to drop, the time was near.
Clemmy pulled out all the stops. She was wearing a cut-off What’s Happening tee shirt that was so faded you could see the straps of her corduroy bra peeking through. Her corduroy shorts were skin tight and the left back pocket was ripped open, showing her lightly haired butt cheek- almost inviting Billy Emo in for a feel.
She walked to the center of the floor about 20 feet from the stage and stopped. Billy Emo looked up from the records and was suddenly fixated on Clemmy. Once their eyes met, she spun around to give him a glimpse of her bare ass cheek and the music stopped. Billy Emo was motionless and his mouth shot to the floor. The entire crowd stopped in disbelief.
Sensing his opportunity, Jude pulled the Wahl hair trimmers out of his pocket and darted at the stage. With three steady leaps, he floated onto the stage, lunging awkwardly towards the side of Billy Emo’s head. (It’s quite difficult to be athletic while wearing skinny jeans)
Just as Jude reached out to swipe Billy Emo’s hair with the clippers, his foot became wrapped in one of the MacBook’s extension cords. While lunging forward for the swipe, the cord tightened around Jude’s foot and he began to fall to the floor of the stage. The clippers grazed the side of Billy Emo’s head, buzzing off a large portion of hair above his ear.
For about 2 seconds, a feeling of victory pulsed through Jude’s veins and made him feel like a Hipster God. But as he hit the floor his hand holding the clippers shot towards his own face, buzzing off the side of his beard.
The crowd gasped at the spectacle. Clemmy raced back out of the front door, running over at least 2 or 3 emo’s on her way out without a care.
Billy Emo jumped onto the table that held his deejay equipment and screamed obscenities into the air as Jude fled through the back door, dragging the extension cord with him.
Inches from triumph, Jude collapsed by a dumpster in the alley and cried into his hands. Into his hands that were filled with shards of his once beautiful beard.