Monthly Archives: May 2017

the purple fedora incident (jude’s big balls)

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The day after Jude emptied his manhood all over Clemmy’s back, he was working at Randall’s and feeling like an absolute stud.

He walked around the place like he owned it. He couldn’t stop stroking his mustache while looking into the air with a confidant gaze. He truly felt like a new man.

He almost forgot he was working when two jocks approached the counter. Generally, jocks didn’t come in to Randall’s, but they were becoming more commonplace since a YouFit gym was recently built down the street.

The jocks were both dressed in Nike workout shorts and bright, fluorescent dri-fit shirts. They were muscly, sweaty and their demeanor cocky.

“Hey fedora boy, do you guys have any protein smoothies like Starbucks has,” said Jock 1 as Jock 2 laughed in approval.

Without saying a word, Jude pointed to the menu board behind him that listed two protein smoothies. Jude didn’t have a high opinion of jocks and automatically assumed both of them were less than average readers.

“Oh, so hairy face boy thinks he’s too good to talk to us. We’ll take two Guava paste, whey protein smoothies, extra large. We’ll be waiting at that table in the corner, just bring them over to us after you make them,” said Jock 2.

Jude begrudgingly took their money and began making the smoothies. He thought seriously about raking his fingers across his taint and stirring their smoothies, but he remembered that Randall’s had cameras. He took a deep breath and tried to find a happy place in his mind. Continue reading


face in the pillows (hipster sex)

After the protest, Clemmy found herself sexually attracted to Jude like never before. Watching him stand up to Billy Emo without a shed of fear absolutely toasted her hairy loins.

His new-found manliness reminded her of a quote in Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer; “I have found God, but he is insufficient.”  Jude was her God now.

“Tonight’s the night. Take me to your apartment and put my face in the pillows,” she whispered into his ear.

She wanted to be ravaged by her man. She wanted her stud to relieve all those weeks of built-up tension and anxiety. She wanted her man to provide that cathartic release she had been missing for so long.

Hand in hand, they both rushed to Jude’s apartment; his mustache blowing in the wind and her female scent escaping into the night air. They barely made it inside the door before Jude’s tongue was licking the side of her face. His greasy mustache brushed up and down her cheek, turning her skin red.

She let out a strangled moan of sheer, hipster ecstasy. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh.”

In one motion, he pushed her through the doorway, spun her around almost violently onto his couch. He pushed her face into the couch pillows, pulling her butt into the air as her back arched.

Jude was a lion and Clemmy his lioness.  He gently licked the nape of her neck before biting down, almost drawing blood. Continue reading

Occupy Randall’s (Part II)

Exactly as Stefan had scripted, Billy Emo appeared in front of them all. His jet-black hair was pulled to the side revealing his incredible tattoo.

His black cape flowed elegantly as he slowly approached Stefan. Because of the humidity, his black eyeliner began to drip down his pale, white cheeks.

The hipsters became silent and stared in fear.

“I know who you are Stefan. I fear no man. What is your challenge,” Billy Emo voiced with confidence.

“I will put up my strongest, most intelligent, most un-mainstream hipster against you,” Stefan replied.

Raising his hands to the sky in a god-like pose, Billy Emo replied, “No hipster could best me at anything. I am Billy Emo and I fucking rule. BRING IT ON.”

“Oh, it’s brought. I challenge you to a swim-off at the Y against my dear fellow hipster Jude. On the second Sunday of next month, 10 A.M. The loser has to quit working at Randall’s,” Stefan said with a smile.

Jude tweaked his mustache and walked up from the crowd directly in front of Billy Emo. He raised both his middle fingers and pointed them inches from Billy Emo’s face.

Clemmy’s loins heated up and her woman parts began to tingle.  Her sweet Jude was transforming into a Hipster bad-ass right before her eyes.


Amazingly, Billy Emo’s pale face became even paler and his lip quivered. His fear was real.

Could this be the beginning of the end of Billy Emo?????

Occupy Randall’s (Part I)

hipsterScene: Stefan texts Jude about the first protest. Protest takes place at Emo-Hip-Centric Night at Randall’s. It’s a hot, humid, normal Florida summer night.

Stefan’s Text- Jude, Occupy Randall’s 9 PM, bring Clemmy, signs provided, 35 people already confirmed.

Jude immediately called Clemmy and told her to get ready. Having a new ally in his fight filled him with a much-needed excitement.

They both arrived at Randall’s and couldn’t believe what they saw. There were at least 45 hipsters with picket signs, walking in a circle chanting repeatedly in unison, “WHAT DO WE WANT? EMOS TO DIE? WHEN DO WE WANT THEM TO DIE? RIGHT NOW!!!”

Stefan was in the middle of the circle standing on a footstool which elevated him a couple feet above the picketers. He was wearing a velour, mustard orange fedora and a super tight white shirt with the words “Forever Hipster” on it.

He wasn’t saying word. He simply stood there holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can defiantly in the air. Jude and Clemmy were mesmerized by his confidence.  He seemed like a true leader of men, a leader of women…… and most importantly, a leader of hipsters.

Jude and Clemmy quickly grabbed two signs and joined the protest. Each protester seemed to share their amazing hatred for emo culture. For the first time in a long while they truly felt at home.

As expected, the emos inside Randall’s began filtering out to the street glaring at the Hipsters with disdain. The mood quickly turned confrontational. The hipsters kept chanting, while several of the emos began yelling disparaging comments about corduroy and record players.

With the temperature rising, Stefan threw his PBR can violently into the gathering emos and produced a mega-phone.


(to be continued)

Related Posts: Emo depression smacks Jude in the face…….Plan in action, destroy Billy Emo part 1……. Destroy Billy Emo part II the clippers

Jude’s new poem to Clemmy

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Clemmy my love,

I wrote this right after the Billy Emo debacle and wanted to share it with you.

I was thinking about reading it at open mic night, but wanted to check with you first.

I know things have been a little crazy lately and I want to make sure this is cool with you.

Let me know what you think:

The Failed Plan

Nearly perfect, my plan to destroy

The emo infiltrator and his infantile little ploy.

He jumped into my world of cloves and Turkish tea

Jealous of my Clemmy and our relationship to be

The extension cord of death, grabbed my leg, made me crash

My clippers missed their mark, now I have a rad stache.

This fight is not over, I will find your Achilles heel

Go ahead, keep fucking with me billy emo

I am the real deal.

Clemmy teared up while reading this and told Jude that she would be honored for him to read it at open mic night.

vegan pumpkin spice (the starbucks meeting)

Jude arrived at Starbucks (minus his fedora) several minutes early so he could order a coffee. After arguing with the Barista about why they couldn’t make him a vegan pumpkin spice latte, he settled for a hot tea with Equal. He found a seat in the outside area and waited for Stefan.

Stefan arrived promptly, wearing oddly baggy boot-cut jeans and a Tony Stewart NASCAR hat. He headed directly towards Jude without buying anything and sat down.

In a soft voice Stefan said, “Please excuse the outfit, but I had to come disguised. So, let’s keep this short and sweet. Mr. Jude wants to take down the great Billy Emo? Well, you will probably be surprised when I tell you that I know plenty about Billy Emo. I know some things that he doesn’t want anyone else to know.”

Jude stroked his mustache as his eyes perked up. “Please, please tell me. I need vengeance and I need it soon.”

“Easy there my boy. It’s important that you understand patience. We have to be calculating, organized and meticulous if we are going to be able to ruin Billy Emo,” said Stefan in a professor-like voice. Continue reading

emails between Jude & Stefan

Later in the evening after the support group meeting, Jude emailed Stefan:

Sunday 11:30 P.M.

Dear Stefan,

Firstly, my girlfriend Clemmy and I truly enjoyed the Hipster Support Group and appreciate you starting the organization. We feel very strongly about the cause and look forward to getting more involved. While we enjoyed the first part of the meeting, we were a little surprised at the topic for next week.

Maybe you already know, but Billy Emo and I are in the middle of a terrible feud. He used to date Clemmy and he’s been harassing me for a while now. I recently failed at destroying him by trying to cut off his hair. It’s a long story, but it went terribly bad. Now he has a bad-ass tattoo and seems more popular than ever. I’ve worked at Randall’s for years and he has seemingly taken the place over recently, especially after the tattoo. Continue reading