the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies.

The emos on the opposite side just hissed at the hipsters and flicked them off with their pasty-white, bony fingers. They looked like an odd mixture of witches and Casper the Ghost.

The YMCA lifeguard walked in, shaking her head in amazement at what was happening. The most people they’ve ever had in the pool area are on Wednesday mornings for the senior water aerobics class when about 5 blue-haired elderly women showed up.

“Here’s the deal…..I’m going to raise my hand, count to three, then drop my hand to the ground…..that means go. Whoever makes it to the other side first is the winner. Then I can get the hell out of here,” she said with a sarcastic tone.

Jude and Billy Emo turned away from each other and faced the pool. Jude removed his smoking jacket which revealed the corduroy boy shorts Clemmy made for him.

The emos gasped when they saw his shorts and his greasy, non-muscular upper body. Although an adult, his body seemed child-like.rock star fail

Billy Emo dropped his cape and removed his combat boots. Stefan, Jude, Clemmy and all the hipsters stared, waiting for him to reveal his webbed feet.

To their dismay, Billy Emo had black crew socks on that he would not remove.

Stefan led a chant of, “JUDE’S OUR MAN, JUDE’S OUR MAN, JUDE’S OUR MAN.”

They both took their marks at the edge of the pool. Clemmy’s forehead was sweating and her heart was beating fast. The moment of truth had arrived.

The lifeguard raised her hand into the air, “1..2..3, GO,” and her hand darted towards the ground.

Jude jumped in quickly ahead of Billy Emo. Right after he entered the water you could see a huge slick of oil emanate from his body, leaving a streaming line of oil behind him.

Both groups of supporters were yelling and/or hissing for their hero and Clemmy remained nervous.

After a few strokes, Jude was clearly ahead and it didn’t seem like Billy Emo could catch him.

Then suddenly, Billy Emo stopped swimming and jumped up out of the water screaming.

“My eyes……oil in my eyes. I can’t see. It smells like Patchouli. I’m having trouble breathing,” Billy Emo screamed into the air in between strangled coughs.

Jude continued swimming and didn’t hear a thing. He kept his eyes on the prize ahead.

“Look at the oil slick in the water from Jude’s dingy ass. This is disgusting. I’M PROTESTING!!!! I’M PROTESTING!!!!!!!” yelled Billy Emo.

Jude took several more strokes and reached the end of the pool. He jumped out of the pool victoriously, but quickly seemed confused. He was expecting Clemmy to greet him with a gigantic hug.  He expected all his supporters to lift him on their shoulders and prance around the pool victorious.

But when he looked back all he saw was Billy Emo holding his eyes and writhing in pain in the middle of the pool. The emo supporters were all booing and pointing at him and his feelings of jubilation turned to intense worry.

Clemmy and Stefan were both shaking their heads in confusion and the hipster supporters went silent.

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

To be continued…………….


12 thoughts on “the swim-off (part I.)

  1. Pingback: the swim-off (part II) | HipsterStories

  2. Pingback: a real Hipster love story…. | Duh'Merica

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