Tag Archives: swimming

the swim-off (part II)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)

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the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading