Tag Archives: humor

the swim-off (part II)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)

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the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading

will the hip-fatuation continue????

Nervously, Clemmy went to Randall’s at the end of Jude’s shift. She didn’t see him behind the bar and almost walked out. Then she saw him walking up the spoken word stage at the back of the shop.

This was strange because spoken word night wasn’t scheduled until the next night. Clemmy became worried.

As she walked towards the stage, the lights suddenly dimmed and Jude was spotlighted on the stage. She then looked down at her feet and noticed and trail of patchouli leaves leading to the stage.

“Thanks to Randall’s for giving me the opportunity to have my own, special open mic night,” said Jude.

“I dedicate this to Clemmy, my patchouli muse.”

“the lifestyle we choose is a burden at times, people are jealous and sometimes unkind

been using hashtags when they were still called pound signs

I rock a fedora regardless of the stares, I sport corduroy scarves without a freakin’ care

A learned revelation, which struck me to the core,

You once were an Emo, could I love you anymore?

So angry, I crushed our Public Enemy tape

I see you out there in the crowd, my mouth agape

I could never leave you, I love you too much,

My sweet patchouli muse.”

Several tears began to flow from Clemmy’s nervous eyes and dropped onto the patchouli leaves beneath her feet.

The hip-fatuation will go on.

(related posts: Jude uses Yelp, Clemmy drops a bomb)

Dear Diary, Clemmy’s lament

diaryDear Diary,

I just woke up and realized what I original thought was a nightmare, was in fact real. Jude called me at 4 in the morning to bitch about his job.

I was half asleep so I don’t remember everything. But what I do remember is causing me to seriously question his stability.

He kept rambling about “fuckster hipster wannabees” at Randall’s copying his style and bragging about “hipsterdom.” It’s difficult for me to understand why he can’t just realize they are his customers and it’s just his job. I guess he takes it more seriously than others because he spends a lot of his free time there when he’s not working.

I mean there’s open mic night, the once a month “best fedora contest,” and he always gets discounts on any international teas they have. I don’t blame him for spending time there, it is quite bitchin’.

Today, I will be anxiously awaiting Jude’s text to see if he is mentally able to search for vintage cassettes. This romance, this love, this “hip-fatuation,” depends on it.

P.S. I’m glad I washed my hair 5 days ago because I just don’t have the energy today. I will be on the computer all morning using the search engine Bing to find what locations we should go to. Google is way too overused.

Clemmy

(Related posts:  Hipsterdom-Jude Can’t Sleep, Dear Diary- Clemmy’s Confession)

Clemmy calls 1-976 Hipster

hipsterphoneAfter their first, magical date, Clementine needed some sexual relief.  So she called a Hipster Sex Line……..

Clemmy: (after dialing 1-976-HIPSTER and giving her credit card number) Hi there, I’m a little nervous, I’ve never done this before.

     Hipster Sex Operator: Don’t be nervous, I’m here to ease your stress and a ease a few other things….if you know what I mean.

Clementine:  Oh well, that sounds nice.  Can you call me Clemmy?

    Hipster Sex Operator: Sure thing Clemmy?

Clemmy:  (giggling) Oh yeah, that’s nice.  I’m already getting wet, tell me about your vintage records.

    Hipster Sex Operator:Glad you asked, I have quite the vinyl collection.  Original Sgt. Peppers, Hendrix Isle of Wight,  Johnny Cash, Salt N Peppa………

Clemmy: (gently moaning) I was so close until Salt N Peppa.  Let me hear about your beard and wardrobe  (hands in panties)

    Hipster Sex Operator: (deep, throaty voice) Oh Clemmy, I’ve been growing my beard for 3 years now, no trimming at all.  I even dyed it the same reddish-brown color as my favorite skinny jeans.  I airbrushed my own extra tight, t-shirt that says, “Vote Hipster in 2016” and dipped it in patchouli.

Clemmy: (intense moaning, fingers grinding hard) ALMOST THERE, talk about craft beer………..

    Hipster Sex Operator: (even deeper, throatier voice) I just cracked open a Chimay Triple, a Belgian masterpiece that has to be served in a specific glass to enjoy the vibrant Bavarian hops.  It was created by Trappist Monks.

Clemmy: YES, YES, YES, YES…..(deep, long breaths) Thank you so much, I needed that.

    Hipster Sex Operator:  Anytime Clemmy.  I’m headed out to a spoken word open mic night in the park and will back after midnight if you need more.

the confrontation (billy emo threatens jude)

A supporter gestures at the media as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump addresses supporters during a campaign rally for Republican Presidential Donald Trump in CincinnatiJude went back to his register with his unshaven face hanging down like Deputy Dog.  The hipster blood was in the water.

Billy Fucking Emo and his two emo cronies approached Jude like bull sharks ready to feed.

“Hey hipster pussy, you see this shirt, you see this hat???  Fuckin’ A’ right, Trump don’t have time for your touchy, feely, liberal bull-shit, “ Billy Emo said with supreme confidence.  His two associates pointed their fingers while laughing at Jude.

Billy continued, “Nice fuckin’ letter, you pussy, hipster bitch.  Oh, poor little hipster Jude.  Mad that a real man is our president.  No more of this complaining about raising minimum wage and free, fucking health care.”

Jude stared in disbelief.  Just moments earlier he was feeling like a hero, now he was under full Emo-Attack.

“You know ‘William’, I don’t appreciate your anger, your meanness.  This is exactly what I expect from a Trump supporter.  I will have you know that I’m creating an Anit-Hipster-Bullying club and we will do something about people like you,” said Jude.cryinghipster

Laughing so hard he began choking, Billy Emo replied, “O-M- FUCKING-G.  Did you really just say that out loud?????  An Anti-Hipster-Bullying club????  I can’t wait to join.”

Jude stood in disbelief.  He had no idea what to do now.  Billy Emo and his emo cohorts were pointing at the Trump shirts and hats while laughing at him.

He tried his best, but tears began to trickle down his greasy face.  “NO, NO, NO, not now.  Please not now,” Jude thought to himself.

Billy Emo immediately pulled his I Phone from his pocket and took about 20 pictures of Jude crying.

“That’s right bitch.  You know what the next viral video is going to be?????  A hipster-bitch crying his little pussy-ass off because he has hurt feelings.  PUSSSY,” said Billy relentlessly.

“You should Google me bitch.  Oh never mind, you probably use Bing, you sweaty-faced, patchouli stinking hipster,” Billy yelled.

Jude ran back into the break room and dialed Clemmy.

 

 

jude & ebola

o-EBOLA-VIRUS-facebook(Scene: Jude has become increasingly frustrated with the Billy Emo situation after Billy’s mom spoke at Randall’s. So Jude tries to use the recent Ebola crisis to get out of work. He texts Cindy.)

Jude- Hey Cindy, not sure I can make it in to my shift tonight.

Cindy- What the hell r u talking about? U better get ur ass here, without fail.

Jude- Well, u let Billy Emo’s mom speak at Randall’s the other night and her boyfriend is from West Africa.

Cindy- r u kidding me??? What does her African boyfriend have to do anything?

Jude- wake up Cindy, ever heard of Ebola???? Her boyfriend is from West Africa, that’s where Ebola starts. And didn’t u notice that Billy’s mom looked a bit feverish?????

Cindy- holy fuck Jude, u r really trying this right now? Get ur ass to work, OR ELSE!!!!!

Jude- look here, I’ve read the Hot Zone by Richard Preston and I know JUST how dangerous Ebola can be. And I’m not about to put myself at risk. And you should be ashamed that u r willing to put your employees at risk. I’m absolutely shocked at your disregard.

Cindy- Jude, u r a total dumbass. Her boyfriend was born in Liberia and moved here in the 70’s. He’s never been back to Africa. Unless he’s been hiding Ebola in his freezer, we have nothing to worry about.

Jude- OMG!!! What about his family members??? Surely some of those disease carriers have visited him recently??? He’s probably a carrier and now Randall’s is a veritable HOT ZONE. I think it’s time for me to call the CDC.

Cindy- those “carriers” r people u freakin idiot. If u don’t show up to work tonight, u r FIRED. Is that clear?

Jude- well, if I come to work and I get Ebola, I’m going to hire the best lawyer in town.

Cindy- if u get Ebola, u will probably die. Show up or get FIRED.

Jude- this is the worst management ever, I’m showing up, but under protest. U suck Cindy.