Tag Archives: writing

dear diary, another Clemmy dilemma

Dear Diary,

I know this is horrible timing, but I just can’t keep my feelings inside anymore. The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy, but fortunately Jude seems to be in a really good place right now.

I’m dying to tell him how I feel and think maybe the time is right. I thought about waiting until after the swim-off, but then I worried if he lost to Billy Emo he wouldn’t be able to handle any more heartache.

Oh god, I just admitted that I think he has a chance to lose to Billy Emo, please help me. But then if I tell him before the swim-off, I’m worried that it could put him back into the mental place he was after the hair clipper incident.

Anyway, as selfish as it may be, I have to tell him how I feel. You are probably wondering what in the world could be bothering me, what in the world could stir all of these emotions………….. Continue reading

the infiltration of billy emo

Scene: Friday night, 8 P.M. at Randall’s. Jude comes in for an employee meeting called by the manager Cindy. There are about 25 employees gathered.

“This will only take a few minutes, unless you all keep talking, then we could be here all freakin’ night. This is strictly a meeting where I am going to make some announcements and you will all listen. No questions,” said Cindy.

“Look, business has been slower than normal this year, so the owners have decided to make a couple changes. (Nervous looks on the employees’ faces) Don’t worry; no one is being laid off. The owners felt it would be beneficial if we started catering to a popular genre of people a couple days each week to bring in more money.

So, starting next week, Wednesday’s and Friday’s will be called “Emo-Hip-Centric-Nights.” We have already hired a new deejay and he will be in later if you want to meet him. The owners recently watched a local documentary produced by some local college kids that detailed the emergence of a new genre of 20-35 year-olds. This group has adopted both the Emo and Hipster cultures and has been making a huge financial impact on our downtown area.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the new deejay’s name is William, but he goes by “Billy Emo”. That’s all for now, get back to work.”

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he felt like throwing his purple fedora into the gutter outside. His mind began to race. His heart was beginning to pound through his boy-like chest.

He loved his job at Randall’s. All he could think about was Clemmy, Billy Emo and what to do next.

He put his ear-buds in, selected his “Melancholy” playlist and walked outside into the darkness.

(related posts: open mic night, jude’s revenge, texts about billy emo, a letter from billy emo.)

open mic night (braggart jude)

Scene: Jude is so excited about his new project with the Hip Page, he’s pretty much pissing himself.  He invited Clemmy to open mic night at Randall’s for her to hear his new offering.  Randall’s is busy and Jude goes on first.  The lights dim, Clemmy is standing at the back waiting excitedly.

Jude- I would like to dedicate my newest offering to my dearest Clemmy and to all my fellow hipster supporters out there and especially Billy Emo.  I call it;

Suck On It B.E.

You doubted me, you mocked my every move

while I filled your cups with the latest brews

you pointed your plastic fingers

directly in my face,

told me I would never escape the latte grind,

while I choked on the cream and sugar

Because of my talent, my immense creative skills,

Take a look at the newest movie reviewer for the Hip Pages.

So thanks for the jeers, thanks for always doubting me so……

Lick my hairy, white ass muther’ fuckers’

and SUCK IT BILLY EMO!!!!!

After speaking the last line, Jude dropped the mic violently to the ground.  Violently, like he just became the Randall’s MMA champion by submitting Billy Emo with a vicious choke-hold.

Clemmy stared in disbelief and confusion.  She wasn’t sure whether to be pissed off or to take her man into the back alley and blow him like a Dyson.

Is Jude finished at Randall’s?  Is Jude actually going to be a published writer now?

HOLY SHIT!!!  HOLY-HIPSTER-SHIT!!!

 

 

thanks to longawkwardpause (hipster, comedy)

hipster-tash_3046941bThanks to longawkwardpause for featuring one of my hipster articles.  They have a great comedic site.

A special thanks to Christopher De Voss for posting my writings.

Please take a minute to check them out.  I always appreciate their support.

They recently featured my post: Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

And at the beginning of January they featured my post; General Tso, who are you? 

(Note:  I am also the author of Duh’Merica, a comedy blog)