Category Archives: humor

the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading

Advertisements

dear diary, another Clemmy dilemma

Dear Diary,

I know this is horrible timing, but I just can’t keep my feelings inside anymore. The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy, but fortunately Jude seems to be in a really good place right now.

I’m dying to tell him how I feel and think maybe the time is right. I thought about waiting until after the swim-off, but then I worried if he lost to Billy Emo he wouldn’t be able to handle any more heartache.

Oh god, I just admitted that I think he has a chance to lose to Billy Emo, please help me. But then if I tell him before the swim-off, I’m worried that it could put him back into the mental place he was after the hair clipper incident.

Anyway, as selfish as it may be, I have to tell him how I feel. You are probably wondering what in the world could be bothering me, what in the world could stir all of these emotions………….. Continue reading

hipster support group

With things being so crazy lately, Jude and Clemmy decided they needed to find a way to get back to some normalcy.

A couple of days earlier, Jude found a flyer sitting on top of a newspaper stand outside of Randall’s that read: “Hipster Support Group; Be in the Know. We meet every Sunday night, 8 PM at St. Paul’s Catholic Church, basement”

He showed the flyer to Clemmy and they both decided it would be a great idea. On Sunday night, they arrived at St. Paul’s with smiles on their faces and renewed spirits.

They walked into the basement and immediately felt like they had found their long, lost home…… their heaven on earth. There were about 15 people already seated and it looked like a corduroy-beard factory.

Everyone was either sexily bearded, had cords on or both. A couple of the guys actually had fedoras on (thankfully, not purple). And the air was filled with the dank aroma of cloves, patchouli and exotic teas.

As they were walking in, they noticed a svelte man in suspenders walking towards the podium so they quickly took two seats in the back row.

“Hello everyone, nice crowd tonight. For the new people, I notice a couple of strange faces in the back row, my name is Stefan and welcome to the Hipster Support Group. I created this group to help Hipsters deal with the growing Hipster-Racism in our culture and also to help educate Hipsters on clothes, entertainment, food, etc. It’s very important that we remain Hipster and not succumb to the evils of that which is mainstream.” (everyone clapped and a few people let out shouts of “hell yeah”)

Jude looked at Clemmy happily and clutched her hand tightly inside his. Their eyes lit up and sparkled like never before.

Stefan then reached to a tripod poster board stand next to the podium and turned back the first page to reveal the following: Continue reading

dear Jude; Clemmy drops a bomb

Dear Jude,

I wanted to tell you this face to face, but just couldn’t bear to. I’m so afraid of disappointing you, so afraid of not being what you want me to be. I want you to know that I know why Billy Emo is harassing you.

I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been sick about this ever since he left you the note.

Billy Emo is my ex-boyfriend. We dated a few years ago and while that may seem like the worst part for you to hear……..it’s not.

I’m having trouble holding the pen while writing this, but when we dated, I was also an Emo.

Please don’t hate me, it was a difficult time in my life. My cat named Lestat had just died and Billy Emo was there to comfort me. It was a dark time for me and not something I’m proud of.

You know, being emotionally hardcore wasn’t easy. I’m a deep, deep person and I have more layers than Shrek. You’ve only peeled back a few of these layers and hopefully you will peel more.

After a while, I couldn’t take listening to Sunny Day Real Estate and Dashboard Confessional any more and decided I needed a change. So I dumped Billy Emo and he was pissed.

That’s when he started cutting himself. He vowed to stalk anyone I decided to date after him. I really didn’t think he would follow through though. I thought he was just a big talker.

After you and I went on our first date, Billy Emo sent me a video of himself cutting the word “Jude” on his arm. I was terrified.

I can only hope that you can see past this and continue this HipFatuation with me. I need you Jude. You are my Fedora Love, you are my Corduroy Passion………… I don’t want this to end.

Please forgive me.

Your Patchouli Muse,

Clemmy

(Related posts: Open mic night, Jude’s revenge,   Texts about Billy Emo,   A letter from Billy Emo.)

a letter from “billy emo”

emo(a couple minutes after arriving for his shift at Randall’s, a co-worker hands Jude a note that a customer left for him)

Dear Coffee Slinger,

I come in here at least 3 or 4 times a week and it’s always the same bullshit from you. You stand behind the counter with your stupid, fucking purple fedora acting all high and mighty like you are too good to serve people.

I’ve watched you stroke your homeless beard right before you touch the coffee mugs, which I’m pretty sure is a health code violation. I’m still trying to figure out why you don’t take your scarf off while you work. It’s freakin hot in there, but I guess sweating for style is ok.

I once overheard you talking shit about the Emo subculture to one of your co-workers and almost lost my mind. How can a dirty, stinky hipster make fun of Emos??? Wake up bro, it’s time for you to realize that Hipsters are over and Emos are taking over.

I will be watching…. and smelling you. You won’t know who I am until I want you to know. For now, you will know me as “Billy Emo.”

I urge you to think twice about degrading Emos again. We are dark. We are introspective. We drink our coffee with Nine Inch Nails and only come out at night. We are watching you. You better lock up your fixed gear bike real tight my friend.

Respectfully yours,

Billy Emo

Dear Diary, Clemmy’s lament

diaryDear Diary,

I just woke up and realized what I original thought was a nightmare, was in fact real. Jude called me at 4 in the morning to bitch about his job.

I was half asleep so I don’t remember everything. But what I do remember is causing me to seriously question his stability.

He kept rambling about “fuckster hipster wannabees” at Randall’s copying his style and bragging about “hipsterdom.” It’s difficult for me to understand why he can’t just realize they are his customers and it’s just his job. I guess he takes it more seriously than others because he spends a lot of his free time there when he’s not working.

I mean there’s open mic night, the once a month “best fedora contest,” and he always gets discounts on any international teas they have. I don’t blame him for spending time there, it is quite bitchin’.

Today, I will be anxiously awaiting Jude’s text to see if he is mentally able to search for vintage cassettes. This romance, this love, this “hip-fatuation,” depends on it.

P.S. I’m glad I washed my hair 5 days ago because I just don’t have the energy today. I will be on the computer all morning using the search engine Bing to find what locations we should go to. Google is way too overused.

Clemmy

(Related posts:  Hipsterdom-Jude Can’t Sleep, Dear Diary- Clemmy’s Confession)

Jude’s letter to the editor (Portlandia)

(Jude writes a letter to the editor of the local college newspaper.  He’s pissed at all their wannabe hipsters)

portlandiaDear Editor,

Although I’m not a student, I felt compelled to write because I’m always running into your students at Randall’s Cafe.

I hear them talk all the time about how cool Portlandia is. Those who watch it can’t be real hipsters. No way in hell. What a joke, really. It’s so mainstream, it’s like carrying a kids lunchbox around as a purse.

I mean shit, I will probably start watching it in about 20 years, then it will be truly be cool. Kind of like how I’ve been watching What’s Happening re-runs for about 5 years now.

Could you please print this in your next issue so maybe your students can learn a little more about culture? Every time I hear one of them talk about how awesome Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are, it makes me want to puke into my scarf.  

Respectfully,

Jude the (REAL) Hipster