Tag Archives: starbucks

the purple fedora incident (jude’s big balls)

Image from ebay.com

Image from ebay.com

The day after Jude emptied his manhood all over Clemmy’s back, he was working at Randall’s and feeling like an absolute stud.

He walked around the place like he owned it. He couldn’t stop stroking his mustache while looking into the air with a confidant gaze. He truly felt like a new man.

He almost forgot he was working when two jocks approached the counter. Generally, jocks didn’t come in to Randall’s, but they were becoming more commonplace since a YouFit gym was recently built down the street.

The jocks were both dressed in Nike workout shorts and bright, fluorescent dri-fit shirts. They were muscly, sweaty and their demeanor cocky.

“Hey fedora boy, do you guys have any protein smoothies like Starbucks has,” said Jock 1 as Jock 2 laughed in approval.

Without saying a word, Jude pointed to the menu board behind him that listed two protein smoothies. Jude didn’t have a high opinion of jocks and automatically assumed both of them were less than average readers.

“Oh, so hairy face boy thinks he’s too good to talk to us. We’ll take two Guava paste, whey protein smoothies, extra large. We’ll be waiting at that table in the corner, just bring them over to us after you make them,” said Jock 2.

Jude begrudgingly took their money and began making the smoothies. He thought seriously about raking his fingers across his taint and stirring their smoothies, but he remembered that Randall’s had cameras. He took a deep breath and tried to find a happy place in his mind. Continue reading

vegan pumpkin spice (the starbucks meeting)

Jude arrived at Starbucks (minus his fedora) several minutes early so he could order a coffee. After arguing with the Barista about why they couldn’t make him a vegan pumpkin spice latte, he settled for a hot tea with Equal. He found a seat in the outside area and waited for Stefan.

Stefan arrived promptly, wearing oddly baggy boot-cut jeans and a Tony Stewart NASCAR hat. He headed directly towards Jude without buying anything and sat down.

In a soft voice Stefan said, “Please excuse the outfit, but I had to come disguised. So, let’s keep this short and sweet. Mr. Jude wants to take down the great Billy Emo? Well, you will probably be surprised when I tell you that I know plenty about Billy Emo. I know some things that he doesn’t want anyone else to know.”

Jude stroked his mustache as his eyes perked up. “Please, please tell me. I need vengeance and I need it soon.”

“Easy there my boy. It’s important that you understand patience. We have to be calculating, organized and meticulous if we are going to be able to ruin Billy Emo,” said Stefan in a professor-like voice. Continue reading

emails between Jude & Stefan

Later in the evening after the support group meeting, Jude emailed Stefan:

Sunday 11:30 P.M.

Dear Stefan,

Firstly, my girlfriend Clemmy and I truly enjoyed the Hipster Support Group and appreciate you starting the organization. We feel very strongly about the cause and look forward to getting more involved. While we enjoyed the first part of the meeting, we were a little surprised at the topic for next week.

Maybe you already know, but Billy Emo and I are in the middle of a terrible feud. He used to date Clemmy and he’s been harassing me for a while now. I recently failed at destroying him by trying to cut off his hair. It’s a long story, but it went terribly bad. Now he has a bad-ass tattoo and seems more popular than ever. I’ve worked at Randall’s for years and he has seemingly taken the place over recently, especially after the tattoo. Continue reading