the first seduction

It was a normal day for both Jude and Clementine and neither of them had a clue that they would meet each other in such ironic fashion.

By the way, this story could take place in any urban city where a formerly shit neighborhood is currently being transformed into a trendy place to live.

You know what I mean; hot dog vendors have been replaced by rolling craft beer stands, etc.

They both woke up in their respective studio apartments (about 10 blocks apart from each other) at about 3 in the afternoon and both decided to go shopping for vintage records and obscure movies, of course.

While looking for the soundtrack to Eraserhead, Jude was entranced by the sudden smell of patchouli floating in the air.

As he looked up, he saw a heavenly beauty fingering the Muddy Waters 1944 album Country Blues.  Sparks immediately flew into the air like the first day the term Indie Music was coined.

He summoned the courage to walk towards her.  “Hi there, I’m Sebastian, but my cronies call me Jude.  How about you accompany me to spoken word night tomorrow at Randal’s,” he said.

“Hi, I’m Sara, but everyone calls me Clementine.  What’s Randal’s?” she replied.

“Oh it’s just a little, ironic bar-slash-coffee shop that has incredible craft beer and transcendent poets.  I heard Misti Rainwater-Lites may stop by,” said Jude.

Without hesitation, Clementine said she would cancel her harp lesson and would meet Jude there at midnight.

the swim-off (part II)

image from http://www.sodahead.com

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)

the swim-off (part I.)

The Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies.

Jude goes to a sports bar

Image from http://www.shrewsbury.net

 

After reading the email from Clemmy, Jude was confused, distraught and embarrassed.

Dear Clemmy,

Thanks for being honest with me. I understand, but I don’t understand, I mean I think I understand.

Anyway, I’m going to put my phone up for a while and go somewhere where no one knows my name…..you know, the opposite of the show Cheers.

Peace out,

Jude

He decided to drink his confusion away, but wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere where he could sit at the corner of a bar and fade into his glass. He walked a few blocks and ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings sports bar.

He walked in with his head down and sat at the last open bar stool at the far corner of the bar. There were televisions everywhere, each showing a different type of sport.

Jude ordered a PBR tall boy and started guzzling while the television above him played a girls college softball game. He stared at the game with a dazed look and was somewhat turned on by the girls playing, but was worried that they looked a little too much like men. He continued to guzzle.

The bartender walked up to him and placed a Jager shot in front of him.

an email from Clemmy (vhs tapes)

Image from http://www.drprem.com

Dear Jude,

I’m sorry to send you this email so close to the swim-off, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I know we’ve been through a lot during the first part of our relationship and no matter what’s happened, we’ve been able to make it.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I have to tell you………….I can’t handle your rhyming poetry. Please don’t hate me, but it’s been bothering me for some time now.

I know your poetry to me comes from your heart, but the rhyming has to stop. At the last open mic night, the literary types were laughing at you and me. I could hardly take it. Sometimes I think you forget that I have a degree in Creative Writing.

I was thinking that, instead of poetry, maybe you could direct your creative efforts in another direction. There’s a blog called DunceFeed that has a story on there that blew my mind. It was about a hipster in Seattle who started something called “Tapeflicks.” It’s like Netflix except that instead of DVD’s you get VHS movies sent to your house.

The brilliance of that idea made me think of you. Could you imagine getting VHS tapes in the mail throughout the month? Absolutely incredible. I think you should try to partner with the creator. The two of you together could probably do amazing things together.

Anyway, there is so much creativity inside your mind, just not so much in the poetry section of your brain. But that’s ok, I still love you my sweet Jude. Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I feel like we need to be honest with each other about our feelings.

Love,

Clemmy, your patchouli muse

P.S. I can’t wait until you destroy Billy Emo next week. Oh sweet Jude, you are the man.

Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) takes action

Image from http://www.lacarmina.com

As Jude walked in to Randall’s for his regular shift he noticed a few emos gathered around the light pole in front. They were pointing in his direction and were obviously laughing at him.

“Why the hell are you laughing at me!!! You got a problem,” Jude yelled angrily at them.

One of the emos threw a flyer to the ground in front of him, turned away laughing and ran with the others down the street.

Jude picked up the flyer and it read:

The Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) Invites you to a Special Event

WHAT IS IT?….. The Destroy HipsterJude Swim-Off, Loser quits his job at Randall’s

WHERE & WHEN?…. The YMCA, next Sunday, everyone come to watch, it’s free

WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?… Billy Emo will Obliterate HipsterJude at the YMCA pool and HipsterJude will be forced to resign from Randall’s.

(P.S. Make sure to stop by Randall’s and “wish” Jude good luck, HA HA HA)

Obviously Jude was seriously pissed and he crumpled the flyer and threw it on the sidewalk. He immediately grabbed his phone to text Clemmy and Stefan when he noticed a new email from Clemmy.

The subject line of the email read, “Please Read ASAP.”

(Related posts……..Occupy Randall’s part II……..Occupy Randall’s part I…….Clemmy’s good luck present to Jude)

dear diary, another Clemmy dilemma

Image from http://www.favim.com

Dear Diary,

I know this is horrible timing, but I just can’t keep my feelings inside anymore. The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy, but fortunately Jude seems to be in a really good place right now.

I’m dying to tell him how I feel and think maybe the time is right. I thought about waiting until after the swim-off, but then I worried if he lost to Billy Emo he wouldn’t be able to handle any more heartache.

Oh god, I just admitted that I think he has a chance to lose to Billy Emo, please help me. But then if I tell him before the swim-off, I’m worried that it could put him back into the mental place he was after the hair clipper incident.

Anyway, as selfish as it may be, I have to tell him how I feel. You are probably wondering what in the world could be bothering me, what in the world could stir all of these emotions…………..

the purple fedora incident (jude’s big balls)

Image from ebay.com

The day after Jude emptied his manhood all over Clemmy’s back, he was working at Randall’s and feeling like an absolute stud.

He walked around the place like he owned it. He couldn’t stop stroking his mustache while looking into the air with a confidant gaze. He truly felt like a new man.

He almost forgot he was working when two jocks approached the counter. Generally, jocks didn’t come in to Randall’s, but they were becoming more commonplace since a YouFit gym was recently built down the street.

The jocks were both dressed in Nike workout shorts and bright, fluorescent dri-fit shirts. They were muscly, sweaty and their demeanor cocky.

“Hey fedora boy, do you guys have any protein smoothies like Starbucks has,” said Jock 1 as Jock 2 laughed in approval.

Without saying a word, Jude pointed to the menu board behind him that listed two protein smoothies. Jude didn’t have a high opinion of jocks and automatically assumed both of them were less than average readers.

“Oh, so hairy face boy thinks he’s too good to talk to us. We’ll take two Guava paste, whey protein smoothies, extra large. We’ll be waiting at that table in the corner, just bring them over to us after you make them,” said Jock 2.

Jude begrudgingly took their money and began making the smoothies. He thought seriously about raking his fingers across his taint and stirring their smoothies, but he remembered that Randall’s had cameras. He took a deep breath and tried to find a happy place in his mind.

face in the pillows (hipster sex)

Image from http://www.hipsters.com

After the protest, Clemmy found herself sexually attracted to Jude like never before. Watching him stand up to Billy Emo without a shed of fear absolutely toasted her hairy loins.

His new-found manliness reminded her of a quote in Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer; “I have found God, but he is insufficient.”  Jude was her God now.

“Tonight’s the night. Take me to your apartment and put my face in the pillows,” she whispered into his ear.

She wanted to be ravaged by her man. She wanted her stud to relieve all those weeks of built-up tension and anxiety. She wanted her man to provide that cathartic release she had been missing for so long.

Hand in hand, they both rushed to Jude’s apartment; his mustache blowing in the wind and her female scent escaping into the night air. They barely made it inside the door before Jude’s tongue was licking the side of her face. His greasy mustache brushed up and down her cheek, turning her skin red.

She let out a strangled moan of sheer, hipster ecstasy. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh.”

In one motion, he pushed her through the doorway, spun her around almost violently onto his couch. He pushed her face into the couch pillows, pulling her butt into the air as her back arched.

Jude was a lion and Clemmy his lioness.  He gently licked the nape of her neck before biting down, almost drawing blood.

Occupy Randall’s (Part II)

Image from: http://www.pinterest.com

Exactly as Stefan had scripted, Billy Emo appeared in front of them all. His jet-black hair was pulled to the side revealing his incredible tattoo.

His black cape flowed elegantly as he slowly approached Stefan. Because of the humidity, his black eyeliner began to drip down his pale, white cheeks.

The hipsters became silent and stared in fear.

“I know who you are Stefan. I fear no man. What is your challenge,” Billy Emo voiced with confidence.

“I will put up my strongest, most intelligent, most un-mainstream hipster against you,” Stefan replied.

Raising his hands to the sky in a god-like pose, Billy Emo replied, “No hipster could best me at anything. I am Billy Emo and I fucking rule. BRING IT ON.”

“Oh, it’s brought. I challenge you to a swim-off at the Y against my dear fellow hipster Jude. On the second Sunday of next month, 10 A.M. The loser has to quit working at Randall’s,” Stefan said with a smile.

Jude tweaked his mustache and walked up from the crowd directly in front of Billy Emo. He raised both his middle fingers and pointed them inches from Billy Emo’s face.

Clemmy’s loins heated up and her woman parts began to tingle.  Her sweet Jude was transforming into a Hipster bad-ass right before her eyes.

“I AM GOING TO END YOU BILLY EMO. BE SCARED, BE VERY SCARED.” 

Amazingly, Billy Emo’s pale face became even paler and his lip quivered. His fear was real.

Could this be the beginning of the end of Billy Emo?????