vegan pumpkin spice (the starbucks meeting)

Jude arrived at Starbucks (minus his fedora) several minutes early so he could order a coffee. After arguing with the Barista about why they couldn’t make him a vegan pumpkin spice latte, he settled for a hot tea with Equal. He found a seat in the outside area and waited for Stefan.

Stefan arrived promptly, wearing oddly baggy boot-cut jeans and a Tony Stewart NASCAR hat. He headed directly towards Jude without buying anything and sat down.

In a soft voice Stefan said, “Please excuse the outfit, but I had to come disguised. So, let’s keep this short and sweet. Mr. Jude wants to take down the great Billy Emo? Well, you will probably be surprised when I tell you that I know plenty about Billy Emo. I know some things that he doesn’t want anyone else to know.”

Jude stroked his mustache as his eyes perked up. “Please, please tell me. I need vengeance and I need it soon.”

“Easy there my boy. It’s important that you understand patience. We have to be calculating, organized and meticulous if we are going to be able to ruin Billy Emo,” said Stefan in a professor-like voice.

He continued: “This is a small world we live in. My mother used to babysit for Billy Emo when he was just a young lad and she became a good friend of his mother. Well, my mom found out from her that Billy Emo was born with webbed feet.”

“What in the hell does that matter,” Jude asked with a confused look.

“It’s all part of the plan. Step 1, we are going to gather a huge group of hipsters with anti-emo signs and picket Emo-Hip-Centric Nights at Randall’s. This will no doubt cause the emos and Billy Emo to come outside and confront us. Step 2, I will suggest to Billy Emo that we create a challenge for you and him to compete in that will settle who is the supreme bad-ass of Randall’s. Of course he will have to accept. Step 3, will be a swim-off between you and Billy Emo and the loser has to quit working at Randall’s.”

Jude seemed incredibly confused about this plan and asked how this would work.

Stefan explained that when Billy Emo was a child, his mother made him take swimming lessons at the YMCA because she figured he would be a natural with the webbed feet. But that totally backfired.

On the first day of his swim lessons, all of the other kids made fun of his webbed feet. He wobbled home crying his eyes out. Since that day he hasn’t gone near the water. He’s terrified of the water and terrified of taking his shoes off. Most likely, he will wear shoes in the swim challenge and you will destroy him.

A wicked smile formed on Jude’s face. This plan sounds crazy, but just crazy enough to work. Stefan may be his new best friend.

“I will text you details of Step 1 in the days to follow. Keep your phone on you at all times,” said Stefan has he slipped away from Starbucks and down the street.

Jude watched him go in amazement; finally an ally for his fight.


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