A hipster solves American gun violence issue

Dear America,

I can’t stand it any longer; Orlando, Baton Rouge and now Fort Myers.  When will the madness end, you may ask?  Well, I can answer that for you.

quote-sticks-and-stones-may-break-your-bones-but-chinese-throwing-stars-get-you-a-dozen-stitches-jim-butcher-43-56-45Since my early hipster days in middle school I championed an incredible idea.  An idea so ahead of its time I was often laughed at for suggesting it.

I will never forget that awful day in debate class when I took the side of anti-gun violence.

The pro-gun advocate was the middle school stud jock named Steve Winslow.  He looked like a real life Ken doll and was already a full-grown man with multiple hot girlfriends.  He was of course my nemesis and he would always make fun of my Sansabelt corduroy shorts.  He was truly terrible.

I listened to him speak about the wonderfulness of guns, the Constitution and all his epic hunting trips with his ultra-Republican dad.  He even brought in 5 of his own personal guns to show the class.  All the students were mesmerized by him and they drooled as he blasted the liberals attempts to solve this issue.  When he finished, the class stood up in unison and applauded him.

I was dead in the water before I even spoke, but thought to myself, “Fuck it, be a man and tell your story.” 

I approached the podium and delivered my idea.  Steve began to laugh and the rest of the class sheep laughed with him.

I ended my speech with this statement that I think is relative today with all the crazy mass shootings:

“I can solve this insane gun violence problem.  I can save more lives from being lost.  With a simple transition, gun violence in America could be defeated.  Listen closely class, listen closely my fellow Americans…………… To end this cycle of violence we must replace all guns with Chinese Throwing Stars.  BAM.  Thank you, thank you very much.”

Although I was laughed at in middle school, this solution is very compelling and could save tons of lives.  Do you even realize how difficult it is to kill someone by throwing Chinese Stars at them?  Nearly impossible.



2 thoughts on “A hipster solves American gun violence issue

  1. Pingback: A hipster solves America’s gun problem | Duh'Merica

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