Scene: Clemmy reached out to Billy Emo’s mom in the hopes of her helping stop the feud. She wrote an open letter and read it at Randall’s open mic night. In attendance: Jude, Clemmy, Stefan, Billy Emo, Cindy, various emos and hipsters. Billy Emo’s mother walked gingerly to the mic, her white hair shimmering in the muted lights:
“Thank you for letting me speak to you all tonight. Please be patient, I’m old and can’t hear real well. I wanted to take this time to give a few of you some advice. And by a few, I mean little Billy, the bearded Jude guy and his lovely girlfriend Clemmy. Listen closely……
To little Billy– I remember when you used to not look like a vampire and looked so cute wearing those Izod polo shirts I bought for you at the mall. You had a lovely smile and didn’t used to wear makeup. Oh how I miss those days.
When you started vampiring yourself, I thought it was just a phase, but now I think you’ve been wearing that frown for about 5 years now. I miss the days when you used to suckle at my breasts, looking up at me smiling. Anyway, it’s about time that you left that smelly bearded Jude fellow alone. It’s not his fault you couldn’t satisfy Clemmy. Those webbed feet and your small penis are going to make the whole satisfying female thing difficult. But I do love you.
And as for you bearded Jude– You really should relax a little more and stop trying so hard to destroy my little Billy. You must seriously be hung because I don’t know how any woman could stand that smell of yours, your oily skin and that homeless looking beard.
Maybe Clemmy enjoys the smell of hot garbage, because young man, that’s what you smell like. You should really spend more time showering and using deodorant. I can’t believe Randall’s lets you serve people coffee and snacks. If you were somewhat intelligent you would pay more attention to Clemmy because she seems to actually love you.
If you keep screwing off with little Billy, you are going to end up losing her, if you haven’t already.
And as for you Clemmy- well, I’m tired and need a nap, so maybe another time.”
As she walked slowly off the stage, Jude and Billy Emo were shocked and embarrassed. Billy Emo covered his face with his cape and quickly walked out the back door.
Jude walked up to Billy Emo’s mom and said, “That smell is patchouli you old hag and that’s the smell of cool.”
“I may just be an old lady to you, but I know for a fact that you are a smelly douche-bag. Now get the hell out of my way. I don’t want your breath to get in to my hair, I just had it done this morning,” she replied.
Maybe one day Jude will learn his lesson, just not on this day.