jude & ebola

o-EBOLA-VIRUS-facebook(Scene: Jude has become increasingly frustrated with the Billy Emo situation after Billy’s mom spoke at Randall’s. So Jude tries to use the recent Ebola crisis to get out of work. He texts Cindy.)

Jude- Hey Cindy, not sure I can make it in to my shift tonight.

Cindy- What the hell r u talking about? U better get ur ass here, without fail.

Jude- Well, u let Billy Emo’s mom speak at Randall’s the other night and her boyfriend is from West Africa.

Cindy- r u kidding me??? What does her African boyfriend have to do anything?

Jude- wake up Cindy, ever heard of Ebola???? Her boyfriend is from West Africa, that’s where Ebola starts. And didn’t u notice that Billy’s mom looked a bit feverish?????

Cindy- holy fuck Jude, u r really trying this right now? Get ur ass to work, OR ELSE!!!!!

Jude- look here, I’ve read the Hot Zone by Richard Preston and I know JUST how dangerous Ebola can be. And I’m not about to put myself at risk. And you should be ashamed that u r willing to put your employees at risk. I’m absolutely shocked at your disregard.

Cindy- Jude, u r a total dumbass. Her boyfriend was born in Liberia and moved here in the 70’s. He’s never been back to Africa. Unless he’s been hiding Ebola in his freezer, we have nothing to worry about.

Jude- OMG!!! What about his family members??? Surely some of those disease carriers have visited him recently??? He’s probably a carrier and now Randall’s is a veritable HOT ZONE. I think it’s time for me to call the CDC.

Cindy- those “carriers” r people u freakin idiot. If u don’t show up to work tonight, u r FIRED. Is that clear?

Jude- well, if I come to work and I get Ebola, I’m going to hire the best lawyer in town.

Cindy- if u get Ebola, u will probably die. Show up or get FIRED.

Jude- this is the worst management ever, I’m showing up, but under protest. U suck Cindy.

stop the madness (billy emo’s mom gets involved)

Scene: Clemmy reached out to Billy Emo’s mom in the hopes of her helping stop the feud. She wrote an open letter and read it at Randall’s open mic night. In attendance: Jude, Clemmy, Stefan, Billy Emo, Cindy, various emos and hipsters. Billy Emo’s mother walked gingerly to the mic, her white hair shimmering in the muted lights:

“Thank you for letting me speak to you all tonight. Please be patient, I’m old and can’t hear real well. I wanted to take this time to give a few of you some advice. And by a few, I mean little Billy, the bearded Jude guy and his lovely girlfriend Clemmy. Listen closely……

To little Billy- I remember when you used to not look like a vampire and looked so cute wearing those Izod polo shirts I bought for you at the mall. You had a lovely smile and didn’t used to wear makeup. Oh how I miss those days.

When you started vampiring yourself, I thought it was just a phase, but now I think you’ve been wearing that frown for about 5 years now. I miss the days when you used to suckle at my breasts, looking up at me smiling. Anyway, it’s about time that you left that smelly bearded Jude fellow alone. It’s not his fault you couldn’t satisfy Clemmy. Those webbed feet and your small penis are going to make the whole satisfying female thing difficult. But I do love you.

And as for you bearded Jude- You really should relax a little more and stop trying so hard to destroy my little Billy. You must seriously be hung because I don’t know how any woman could stand that smell of yours, your oily skin and that homeless looking beard.

Maybe Clemmy enjoys the smell of hot garbage, because young man, that’s what you smell like. You should really spend more time showering and using deodorant. I can’t believe Randall’s lets you serve people coffee and snacks. If you were somewhat intelligent you would pay more attention to Clemmy because she seems to actually love you.

If you keep screwing off with little Billy, you are going to end up losing her, if you haven’t already.

And as for you Clemmy- well, I’m tired and need a nap, so maybe another time.”

As she walked slowly off the stage, Jude and Billy Emo were shocked and embarrassed. Billy Emo covered his face with his cape and quickly walked out the back door.

Jude walked up to Billy Emo’s mom and said, “That smell is patchouli you old hag and that’s the smell of cool.”

“I may just be an old lady to you, but I know for a fact that you are a smelly douche-bag. Now get the hell out of my way. I don’t want your breath to get in to my hair, I just had it done this morning,” she replied.

Maybe one day Jude will learn his lesson, just not on this day.

Jude the complainer

Scene: Jude is pissed about Billy Emo’s protest so he calls Cindy at Randall’s to complain in an attempt to get him fired.

  Jude- Hi Cindy, it’s me. I have something serious we need to discuss.

Cindy- Um, hello……me who?

  Jude- It’s Jude, jeez, who did you think it was????

Cindy- Usually my husband refers to himself as “me” when he calls Randall’s, not my employees. I really hope your not calling about Billy Emo. I’ve heard about enough of that.

  Jude- Holy crap, it is about Billy Emo….please don’t hang up, please listen.

Cindy- Good fucking lord, make it quick Jude, I don’t have time for this shit.

  Jude- Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, we had a swim-off at the Y the other day and I clearly won. The loser agreed to quit working at Randall’s, but Billy-DICKHEAD-emo decided to invent some ridiculous protest because he’s embarrassed he lost to me. He said you told him that you would never let him quit Randall’s because of the money he brings in. I think, out of principal, out of respect to the contest, you should fire him and get rid of Emo-Hip-Centric nights.

Cindy- Listen here Jude…..I know the whole story and from what I heard, it seems quite possible that his protest is valid. I mean I’ve smelled how much patchouli oil you put on your body and I can definitely see it causing a slick in the water.

  Jude (interrupting)- IT WAS HIS FREAKIN’ MAKEUP….

Cindy (angrily)- Interrupt me again and I hang up. The fact is Billy Emo does bring a lot of money into Randall’s and I’m not firing him because of some ridiculous swim contest. I could care less who won, who lost, who protested or who did whatever the fuck you guys did in a public pool. As a matter of fact, I can’t believe they let your dirty asses in the pool. I should call the Y and complain. You should consider yourself lucky that I didn’t fire you after you buzzed Billy Emo’s hair.

  Jude- This is ridiculous. Can you at least take the “Hip” out of Emo-Hip-Centric Nights? I mean shit, there is nothing hipster about that night and it really gives true hipsters a bad name.

Cindy- If I do that, will you leave me the hell alone???

  Jude (hesitating)- I guess, for now.

Cindy- fine, I will talk to Billy Emo and have the name changed. But that’s it. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

  Jude- Word up Cindy, talk to you later.

the swim-off (part II)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)

the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading

Author’s Note

My goals for this project are: put in book form, sitcom and indie movie.

I’m thinking about the following actors for the characters:

Jude- Joseph Gordon Levitt or Zach Galifinakas

Clemmy- Elle Fanning (from Maleficent) or Kate Mara (House of Cards)

Billy Emo- Jared Leto or Cillian Murphy

I’m taking suggestions for different actors, please let me know.

Back to Clemmy, Jude and Billy Emo shortly……………the swim-off is just around the corner

Jude goes to a sports bar

 

After reading the email from Clemmy, Jude was confused, distraught and embarrassed.

Dear Clemmy,

Thanks for being honest with me. I understand, but I don’t understand, I mean I think I understand.

Anyway, I’m going to put my phone up for a while and go somewhere where no one knows my name…..you know, the opposite of the show Cheers.

Peace out,

Jude

He decided to drink his confusion away, but wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere where he could sit at the corner of a bar and fade into his glass. He walked a few blocks and ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings sports bar.

He walked in with his head down and sat at the last open bar stool at the far corner of the bar. There were televisions everywhere, each showing a different type of sport.

Jude ordered a PBR tall boy and started guzzling while the television above him played a girls college softball game. He stared at the game with a dazed look and was somewhat turned on by the girls playing, but was worried that they looked a little too much like men. He continued to guzzle.

The bartender walked up to him and placed a Jager shot in front of him. Continue reading