the swim-off (part I.)

poolThe Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading

Author’s Note

My goals for this project are: put in book form, sitcom and indie movie.

I’m thinking about the following actors for the characters:

Jude- Joseph Gordon Levitt or Zach Galifinakas

Clemmy- Elle Fanning (from Maleficent) or Kate Mara (House of Cards)

Billy Emo- Jared Leto or Cillian Murphy

I’m taking suggestions for different actors, please let me know.

Back to Clemmy, Jude and Billy Emo shortly……………the swim-off is just around the corner

Jude goes to a sports bar


After reading the email from Clemmy, Jude was confused, distraught and embarrassed.

Dear Clemmy,

Thanks for being honest with me. I understand, but I don’t understand, I mean I think I understand.

Anyway, I’m going to put my phone up for a while and go somewhere where no one knows my name… know, the opposite of the show Cheers.

Peace out,


He decided to drink his confusion away, but wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere where he could sit at the corner of a bar and fade into his glass. He walked a few blocks and ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings sports bar.

He walked in with his head down and sat at the last open bar stool at the far corner of the bar. There were televisions everywhere, each showing a different type of sport.

Jude ordered a PBR tall boy and started guzzling while the television above him played a girls college softball game. He stared at the game with a dazed look and was somewhat turned on by the girls playing, but was worried that they looked a little too much like men. He continued to guzzle.

The bartender walked up to him and placed a Jager shot in front of him. Continue reading

an email from Clemmy (vhs tapes)

Dear Jude,

I’m sorry to send you this email so close to the swim-off, but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I know we’ve been through a lot during the first part of our relationship and no matter what’s happened, we’ve been able to make it.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I have to tell you………….I can’t handle your rhyming poetry. Please don’t hate me, but it’s been bothering me for some time now.

I know your poetry to me comes from your heart, but the rhyming has to stop. At the last open mic night, the literary types were laughing at you and me. I could hardly take it. Sometimes I think you forget that I have a degree in Creative Writing.

I was thinking that, instead of poetry, maybe you could direct your creative efforts in another direction. There’s a blog called DunceFeed that has a story on there that blew my mind. It was about a hipster in Seattle who started something called “Tapeflicks.” It’s like Netflix except that instead of DVD’s you get VHS movies sent to your house.

The brilliance of that idea made me think of you. Could you imagine getting VHS tapes in the mail throughout the month? Absolutely incredible. I think you should try to partner with the creator. The two of you together could probably do amazing things together.

Anyway, there is so much creativity inside your mind, just not so much in the poetry section of your brain. But that’s ok, I still love you my sweet Jude. Please don’t take this the wrong way.  I feel like we need to be honest with each other about our feelings.


Clemmy, your patchouli muse

P.S. I can’t wait until you destroy Billy Emo next week. Oh sweet Jude, you are the man.

Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) takes action

As Jude walked in to Randall’s for his regular shift he noticed a few emos gathered around the light pole in front. They were pointing in his direction and were obviously laughing at him.

“Why the hell are you laughing at me!!! You got a problem,” Jude yelled angrily at them.

One of the emos threw a flyer to the ground in front of him, turned away laughing and ran with the others down the street.

Jude picked up the flyer and it read:

The Ban Hipster Movement (BHM) Invites you to a Special Event

WHAT IS IT?….. The Destroy HipsterJude Swim-Off, Loser quits his job at Randall’s

WHERE & WHEN?…. The YMCA, next Sunday, everyone come to watch, it’s free

WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?… Billy Emo will Obliterate HipsterJude at the YMCA pool and HipsterJude will be forced to resign from Randall’s.

(P.S. Make sure to stop by Randall’s and “wish” Jude good luck, HA HA HA)

Obviously Jude was seriously pissed and he crumpled the flyer and threw it on the sidewalk. He immediately grabbed his phone to text Clemmy and Stefan when he noticed a new email from Clemmy.

The subject line of the email read, “Please Read ASAP.”

(Related posts……..Occupy Randall’s part II……..Occupy Randall’s part I…….Clemmy’s good luck present to Jude)

dear diary, another Clemmy dilemma

Dear Diary,

I know this is horrible timing, but I just can’t keep my feelings inside anymore. The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy, but fortunately Jude seems to be in a really good place right now.

I’m dying to tell him how I feel and think maybe the time is right. I thought about waiting until after the swim-off, but then I worried if he lost to Billy Emo he wouldn’t be able to handle any more heartache.

Oh god, I just admitted that I think he has a chance to lose to Billy Emo, please help me. But then if I tell him before the swim-off, I’m worried that it could put him back into the mental place he was after the hair clipper incident.

Anyway, as selfish as it may be, I have to tell him how I feel. You are probably wondering what in the world could be bothering me, what in the world could stir all of these emotions………….. Continue reading

Clemmy’s good luck present to Jude

There were only a few days left before the swim-off and Clemmy was searching thrift shops for a gift to inspire Jude. She was having difficulty finding anything and really had no idea what to get him.

Thrift Central was her last stop and she couldn’t believe what she found when she reached into the bargain bin at the back of the store.

The bin was filled with what seemed like hundreds of corduroy vests, but when Clemmy reached down to the bottom, her hand brushed up against something velour.

It was a men’s pair of burgundy velour capri pants with white corduroy pockets on the back. They were the coolest pants she’d ever seen and she knew Jude would absolutely adore them.

So, in true hipster fashion, she bought them and immediately cut the legs off to make them into hot, velour boy-shorts. They would be perfect for the swim-off.

She  wrapped them in recycled newspaper and tied it together with purple ribbon, Jude’s favorite color. And for the finishing touch she wrote Jude the following note:

Dearest Jude,

I found these at Thrift Central and knew they would be perfect for the swim-off.  I can wait to watch you destroy Billy Emo while wearing these.  Sexy and cool, that’s my man. 


Love your patchouli muse, Clemmy

P.S. you rocked my world the other night, MUAHHHHHHH