open mic night (braggart jude)

Scene: Jude is so excited about his new project with the Hip Page, he’s pretty much pissing himself.  He invited Clemmy to open mic night at Randall’s for her to hear his new offering.  Randall’s is busy and Jude goes on first.  The lights dim, Clemmy is standing at the back waiting excitedly.

Jude- I would like to dedicate my newest offering to my dearest Clemmy and to all my fellow hipster supporters out there and especially Billy Emo.  I call it;

Suck On It B.E.

You doubted me, you mocked my every move

while I filled your cups with the latest brews

you pointed your plastic fingers

directly in my face,

told me I would never escape the latte grind,

while I choked on the cream and sugar

Because of my talent, my immense creative skills,

Take a look at the newest movie reviewer for the Hip Pages.

So thanks for the jeers, thanks for always doubting me so……

Lick my hairy, white ass muther’ fuckers’

and SUCK IT BILLY EMO!!!!!

After speaking the last line, Jude dropped the mic violently to the ground.  Violently, like he just became the Randall’s MMA champion by submitting Billy Emo with a vicious choke-hold.

Clemmy stared in disbelief and confusion.  She wasn’t sure whether to be pissed off or to take her man into the back alley and blow him like a Dyson.

Is Jude finished at Randall’s?  Is Jude actually going to be a published writer now?

HOLY SHIT!!!  HOLY-HIPSTER-SHIT!!!

 

 

the Hip Page replies….

writerScene: after submitting an unsolicited review of Eraserhead to the Hip Page, the newspaper replies

Dear Mr. Linkster,

Although we were a bit confused to receive your unsolicited review, we were mildly impressed and would like for you to come in for a meeting.  We would like to discuss with you the possibility of you writing a weekly column about the Hipster lifestyle in the area.

As you probably know, the Hipster lifestyle has become a driving force in the area and is continually shaping the culture diversity of our city.

Your review was poignant, tortured and brutally honest.  While we thought most of it was narcissistic, non-artistic rambling, we do feel you captured the essence of the self-absorbed hipster.

If you are interested, please come in to our office next Friday at 7 P.M. and ask for me.

Respectfully,

Sam Packington, Editor of The Hip Page

P.S. It appears that your submission was completed using a typewriter.  If we move forward it will be necessary for you to have access to a real, live computer with Word.

jude reviews Eraserhead

Scene: With his frustration at Randall’s, Jude decided to start branching out creatively in an attempt to land a new job. His first attempt was submitting a review of the David Lynch movie Eraserhead to the local entertainment & arts newspaper named The Hip Page.

Eraserhead_posterDear Editor of The Hip Page,

My name is Jude Linkster. I’m a true hipster and I would like to submit the following review of Eraserhead for your perusal. I think you will find it masterful and ready to publish. I am ready to become your new movie reviewer. Yes, I am that good.

Eraserhead by David Lynch (as reviewed by Jude Linkster)

I’m not going to give you the art-house, surrealist review of this film. That would be too easy. I’m going to give you a realist review by comparing this highly acclaimed film to my tortured life.

Henry Spencer lives in what appears to be a grotesque, industrial wasteland. This is probably why his hair is so disturbingly fashioned into an eraser-like shape, hence the title of the movie. Sorry Mr. Lynch, but that’s not very imaginative.

I feel Henry’s pain here. Working at Randall’s and living in this city reminds me of a vast eraserhead-babywasteland of emo nut jobs and mainstream mouth-breathers. I often hear the constant buzzing of the wind rambling between my ears as I watch the buildings decay before my eyes. I feel you Henry and I understand you.

I think the constant industrial humming is an ominous glimpse into the future of humanity. The buildings have collapsed into ruin, much like how the creativity of the masses has collapsed into a uniformed pile of rubble. Continue reading

jude & ebola

o-EBOLA-VIRUS-facebook(Scene: Jude has become increasingly frustrated with the Billy Emo situation after Billy’s mom spoke at Randall’s. So Jude tries to use the recent Ebola crisis to get out of work. He texts Cindy.)

Jude- Hey Cindy, not sure I can make it in to my shift tonight.

Cindy- What the hell r u talking about? U better get ur ass here, without fail.

Jude- Well, u let Billy Emo’s mom speak at Randall’s the other night and her boyfriend is from West Africa.

Cindy- r u kidding me??? What does her African boyfriend have to do anything?

Jude- wake up Cindy, ever heard of Ebola???? Her boyfriend is from West Africa, that’s where Ebola starts. And didn’t u notice that Billy’s mom looked a bit feverish?????

Cindy- holy fuck Jude, u r really trying this right now? Get ur ass to work, OR ELSE!!!!!

Jude- look here, I’ve read the Hot Zone by Richard Preston and I know JUST how dangerous Ebola can be. And I’m not about to put myself at risk. And you should be ashamed that u r willing to put your employees at risk. I’m absolutely shocked at your disregard.

Cindy- Jude, u r a total dumbass. Her boyfriend was born in Liberia and moved here in the 70’s. He’s never been back to Africa. Unless he’s been hiding Ebola in his freezer, we have nothing to worry about.

Jude- OMG!!! What about his family members??? Surely some of those disease carriers have visited him recently??? He’s probably a carrier and now Randall’s is a veritable HOT ZONE. I think it’s time for me to call the CDC.

Cindy- those “carriers” r people u freakin idiot. If u don’t show up to work tonight, u r FIRED. Is that clear?

Jude- well, if I come to work and I get Ebola, I’m going to hire the best lawyer in town.

Cindy- if u get Ebola, u will probably die. Show up or get FIRED.

Jude- this is the worst management ever, I’m showing up, but under protest. U suck Cindy.

stop the madness (billy emo’s mom gets involved)

Scene: Clemmy reached out to Billy Emo’s mom in the hopes of her helping stop the feud. She wrote an open letter and read it at Randall’s open mic night. In attendance: Jude, Clemmy, Stefan, Billy Emo, Cindy, various emos and hipsters. Billy Emo’s mother walked gingerly to the mic, her white hair shimmering in the muted lights:

“Thank you for letting me speak to you all tonight. Please be patient, I’m old and can’t hear real well. I wanted to take this time to give a few of you some advice. And by a few, I mean little Billy, the bearded Jude guy and his lovely girlfriend Clemmy. Listen closely……

To little Billy- I remember when you used to not look like a vampire and looked so cute wearing those Izod polo shirts I bought for you at the mall. You had a lovely smile and didn’t used to wear makeup. Oh how I miss those days.

When you started vampiring yourself, I thought it was just a phase, but now I think you’ve been wearing that frown for about 5 years now. I miss the days when you used to suckle at my breasts, looking up at me smiling. Anyway, it’s about time that you left that smelly bearded Jude fellow alone. It’s not his fault you couldn’t satisfy Clemmy. Those webbed feet and your small penis are going to make the whole satisfying female thing difficult. But I do love you.

And as for you bearded Jude- You really should relax a little more and stop trying so hard to destroy my little Billy. You must seriously be hung because I don’t know how any woman could stand that smell of yours, your oily skin and that homeless looking beard.

Maybe Clemmy enjoys the smell of hot garbage, because young man, that’s what you smell like. You should really spend more time showering and using deodorant. I can’t believe Randall’s lets you serve people coffee and snacks. If you were somewhat intelligent you would pay more attention to Clemmy because she seems to actually love you.

If you keep screwing off with little Billy, you are going to end up losing her, if you haven’t already.

And as for you Clemmy- well, I’m tired and need a nap, so maybe another time.”

As she walked slowly off the stage, Jude and Billy Emo were shocked and embarrassed. Billy Emo covered his face with his cape and quickly walked out the back door.

Jude walked up to Billy Emo’s mom and said, “That smell is patchouli you old hag and that’s the smell of cool.”

“I may just be an old lady to you, but I know for a fact that you are a smelly douche-bag. Now get the hell out of my way. I don’t want your breath to get in to my hair, I just had it done this morning,” she replied.

Maybe one day Jude will learn his lesson, just not on this day.

Jude the complainer

Scene: Jude is pissed about Billy Emo’s protest so he calls Cindy at Randall’s to complain in an attempt to get him fired.

  Jude- Hi Cindy, it’s me. I have something serious we need to discuss.

Cindy- Um, hello……me who?

  Jude- It’s Jude, jeez, who did you think it was????

Cindy- Usually my husband refers to himself as “me” when he calls Randall’s, not my employees. I really hope your not calling about Billy Emo. I’ve heard about enough of that.

  Jude- Holy crap, it is about Billy Emo….please don’t hang up, please listen.

Cindy- Good fucking lord, make it quick Jude, I don’t have time for this shit.

  Jude- Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, we had a swim-off at the Y the other day and I clearly won. The loser agreed to quit working at Randall’s, but Billy-DICKHEAD-emo decided to invent some ridiculous protest because he’s embarrassed he lost to me. He said you told him that you would never let him quit Randall’s because of the money he brings in. I think, out of principal, out of respect to the contest, you should fire him and get rid of Emo-Hip-Centric nights.

Cindy- Listen here Jude…..I know the whole story and from what I heard, it seems quite possible that his protest is valid. I mean I’ve smelled how much patchouli oil you put on your body and I can definitely see it causing a slick in the water.

  Jude (interrupting)- IT WAS HIS FREAKIN’ MAKEUP….

Cindy (angrily)- Interrupt me again and I hang up. The fact is Billy Emo does bring a lot of money into Randall’s and I’m not firing him because of some ridiculous swim contest. I could care less who won, who lost, who protested or who did whatever the fuck you guys did in a public pool. As a matter of fact, I can’t believe they let your dirty asses in the pool. I should call the Y and complain. You should consider yourself lucky that I didn’t fire you after you buzzed Billy Emo’s hair.

  Jude- This is ridiculous. Can you at least take the “Hip” out of Emo-Hip-Centric Nights? I mean shit, there is nothing hipster about that night and it really gives true hipsters a bad name.

Cindy- If I do that, will you leave me the hell alone???

  Jude (hesitating)- I guess, for now.

Cindy- fine, I will talk to Billy Emo and have the name changed. But that’s it. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

  Jude- Word up Cindy, talk to you later.

the swim-off (part II)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.”

After hearing that, all the emos and Billy Emo began hissing at Stefan, Jude and Clemmy. Two of the emos were helping Billy Emo wipe the oil from his face and squirting Visine into his eyes.

“My make-up is waterproof and never streaks. It was your dingy, oily body that helped you win. Now I know how all those poor birds feel during oil slicks. You should be ashamed of yourself. A matter of fact, I think maybe we should call the police on you. Oiling a public pool has to break some type of law,” said Billy Emo with an evil smile on his face.

Jude’s mouth hit the floor and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just a few moments earlier he was filled with jubilation because of his supposed victory, now he was seriously scared that he could be arrested.

Before anyone could reply to Billy Emo, the YMCA lifeguard walked over to all of them.

“Look, it’s obvious that the smelly hipster got oil in the pool and that is unacceptable. Rule #6 for the Y public pool states that any patron who introduces a foreign substance to the pool must pay for the cleaning of the pool. So, we will be sending you a bill once the pool has been cleaned. It’s usually about $450,” she said to Jude.

Billy Emo and his supporters were laughing mercilessly at Jude.

“Jude, you are so pathetic. And it didn’t even matter if I lost. I talked to Cindy and she said there was no way she would let me quit Randall’s because of how much money I bring in there. Oh, and by the way, always remember that my junk was in Clemmy’s mouth way before you were there. So, every time you kiss her, it’s like you’re blowing me,” said Billy Emo.

Jude turned and ran out of the building in disgust. His head was spinning and he had no idea what to do next.

(related post:  the swim-off part I)